tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80235341030293943462023-11-15T05:03:39.456-08:00Periwinkle ChroniclesJohn Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.comBlogger344125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-82037462486837194792013-12-28T14:53:00.001-08:002013-12-28T14:53:15.877-08:00COVERING UP AT THE CHRISTMAS PROGRAM<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Periwinkle Chronicles, Tales of the Citizens of
Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <o:p></o:p></div>
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The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they
pronounce <i>retired </i>in Periwinkle
County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at Buddy
Mutts Coffee Shop, run by The Brothers Jim, who are not brothers to each other
but are brothers to the world, having recently added Jim Dhliwayo, a Somoli
pirate reclamation project, to their kitchen staff, so that there are now three
brothers Jim, with Golda Myear, his old college roommate’s golden retriever
beside him, since you are not allowed in Buddy Mutts unless you are accompanied
by a dog, and Claire was more than happy to get Golda, for whom they are
dog-sitting, while Tom and Sally are on vacation in Syria, having gotten it
confused with Seychelles, although it’s more like Golda Myear is
people-sitting, since he weighs 100 lbs but thinks she is a lap dog, out of the
house, with last year’s fruit cake on the table in front of him, to keep anyone
from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the <i>Hermudgeon of the Year </i>competition, <i>hermudgeon </i>being a conflation of <i>hermit</i> and <i>curmudgeon</i>,<i> </i>when five-year-old Clara Wembley
slipped into the booth across from him. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“I see that you are not deterred
by fruit cake, Clara,” said Dr. Nathan. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Hey, Zeus, Maria, and
Josephina, no,” said Clara. “I’m used to fruit cakes. Uncle Jed is here for
Christmas.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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“You children sang nicely in the
program at The Methodist on Christmas eve, Clara.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
“Thanks, Randy preacher, but I
was surprised to see you there since the program started at 7 o’clock. Isn’t
that past your bed-time?” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
“As you well know, Clara, if you
must use a derivative form of my name, I prefer Preacher Randy to Randy
preacher, and 7 is not my bed time, just my eye-resting and deep-breathing
exercise time, which I can do at church, along with the other old men, as well
as anywhere else, possibly even better, except that I noticed during O Little
Town of Bethlehem that there was a discordant note.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
“Yeah, that was little Larry,
Uncle Jed’s kid. He hadn’t been to rehearsals, so he didn’t know the words, so
while the rest of us were singing about along thigh dark streaks whining and
the other right words, he was singing the only song he knew, which is The Old
Cat Defecated in the Shavings and Covered it up with Straw.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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“I am surprised he knew that
word, Clara.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: .5in;">
“Well, actually, he used a
different word, but I don’t want to say that in front of Golda Myear. But you’re
right. I don’t know what <i>shavings </i>means,
either.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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***<o:p></o:p></div>
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A Golden Persimmon, or Simmie, is awarded to Georgia
Heltzel Karr, because the similarity between the activities in Periwinkle
County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif";">[“Christ
in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can
be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif";">{I
tweet occasionally as yooper1721, but it’s not really worth the effort to read
them.}<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-33088522063690453192013-07-21T09:44:00.001-07:002013-07-21T09:44:38.090-07:00TAKIN' A TRAIN TO TEXAS
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the
citizens of Periwinkle </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">[because
all the other colors were already taken]</span><span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> County</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">The
Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">retired </i>in Periwinkle County, or at
least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The Depot cyber
Café, with a TV set tuned to the Zimmerman trial 24/7 channels on the table in
front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hermudgeon of the Year </i>competition, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermudgeon </i>being a conflation of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermit</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">curmudgeon</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>when engineer
Stormy Kromer came in and slipped into the booth across from him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Stormy
took out his Android.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I
used to date a girl named Ann Droid, said Dr. Nathan.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I ben
up all nite, Stormy texted him. I don’t need ur corny jokes. Ben on the
unlimited. Talkd w a boy named ian bak n the dining car. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I
thought u were supposed 2 drive the train, Randall texted back on his yellow
legal pad.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">No.
they run thereselves now, Stormy said, forgetting the rule about actually
talking in a wireless place, but saving himself the embarrassment of his
misspelling since the old preacher could not see it.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">This
boy named Ian, Stormy said, saying Ian with a capital I this time since he
wasn’t trying to save strokes on his droid, had his guitar. Said he was goin’
to Texas with his daddy, a Methodist preacher named Wesley to see his
granddaddy, another Methodist preacher, name of John. Damn good names for
Methodist preachers.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I
think the Wesleys would prefer you not say damn, said Dr. Nathan.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Damn,
said Stormy. If I’d a txted, I wud hav said dam and u wudn’t no the diff. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">How old
was this boy? asked Randall Nathan.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Hard
to say, answered Stormy. They look so young and sound so old these days. I think
that’s why they take up music. If they’re holding an instrument they’re allowed
to say stuff rather than just grunt. Anyhow, me and this boy Ian wrote a song…<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">He
took his guitar and began to sing…<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Takin’
a train to Texas<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">The
old man on my right<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Takin’
a train to Texas<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Talkin’
all the night<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">He
tells about the old days<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">And
days that never were<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Takin’
a train to Texas<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Beyond
that I’m not sure<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Takin’
a train to Texas<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">To
see the old man’s old man<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Takin’
a train to Texas<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">He
picks the mandolin<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Sundays
tells folks not to sin<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">To
sing real loud and be real pure<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Takin’
a train to Texas<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Beyond
that I’m not sure<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Takin’
a train to Texas<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">My
guitar on my knee<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Takin’ a train to Texas<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">They’ve
got one star and one tree<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Takin’ a train to Texas<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">To
see how they endure<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Takin’ a train to Texas<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Beyond
that I’m not sure<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I
think it needs a little improvement, said Dr. Nathan.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Yeah,
the song needs some, too, said Stormy<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">***<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">A
Golden Persimmon is awarded to Sheryl Sather Wilkey, since the similarity
between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is
rarely coincidental.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On
Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at
http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span>John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-11569100997524044592013-02-27T07:05:00.000-08:002013-02-27T07:05:03.856-08:00FUNDRAISERS & OTHER NATURAL DISASTERS
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<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif";">Periwinkle
Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle </span>[because all the other
colors were already taken]<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif";">
County: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 9pt;">[Blogspot
has begun to double underline random words in my blogs. When you click on them,
you get advertisements. I did not ask for this, I do not approve of it, and I have
nothing to do with it.]<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<o:p> </o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they
pronounce <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">retired </i>in Periwinkle
County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The
Good to the Last Plop Coffee Shop and Fertilizer Emporium, with a pair of free tickets
for a Carnival cruise to the Gulf of Mexico on the table in front of him, to
keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hermudgeon of the Year </i>competition, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermudgeon </i>being a conflation of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermit</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">curmudgeon</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>when May
Bassket, the Director of Fund Raising for the Periwinkle Media System, slipped
into the booth across from him.</div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Apparently May Bassket is not deterred by the thought of
a Carnival cruise,” observed Dr. Nathan.<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Netherworld, no,” said May. “Even a crap-in-a-bag cruise
would have gotten us more money from Fund Raiser Karl than…”<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Fund Raiser Karl?” Pastor Nathan broke in.<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Yes. We’ve decided to name our public broadcasting
fundraising weeks the way they do other natural disasters, like hurricanes and
winter storms. We name them after famous fund raisers, like FR Melissa. That
Melissa Gates got a billion not only out of her husband but off of Warren
Buffett, too. Now that’s fund-raising!”<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“I would think that FR Melissa would be very successful.”<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Well, we haven’t named one for Melissa yet. The first
one was FR Bernie. Bernie Madoff was a great fundraiser, but there seem to be
negative connotations about his name. Then FR George W. didn’t go very well,
because it turned out that he didn’t actually raise funds, he just borrowed
from the Chinese and said it wasn’t part of the budget. When we tried to borrow
from the Chinese they told us to go to Tiananmen Square and wait.”<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Maybe you need some of those catchy gifts to give folks
who donate,” suggested The Rev. Dr. Nathan.<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“I thought we had a real winner with our Periwinkle Media
System tote bags, but no one seemed to want to carry a bag that said PMS on the
side. Now we’ve developed a video game that combines the best elements of
NASCAR, bowling, and whack-a-mole. We’ll give DVDs of it.”<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“What’s it called, CrashBoomBang?”<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Hey, how did you know that?”<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Sixth sense,” said Randall. “I’ve got ESP…N. But wasn’t
there a band by that name?”<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Yeah,” said May Bassket, “ but they’re too stoned to
know we’re using their name.”<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Well,” said Randall, “speaking of names, at least you
have a nice name for this time of year, when we’re ready for spring.”<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Yes, my mother said they wanted to give me a short name
like May, so that in case I turned out stupid, I could at least spell my own
name.”<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Your mother must have been clairvoyant,” said Dr.
Nathan.<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
“Why, yes, my mother’s name was Clair. But how did you
know my maiden name was Voyant?”<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>***<br />
A Golden Persimmon is awarded posthumously to Georgia
Karr, who gave her daughters short names for the above mentioned reason,
because the similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events
in other places is rarely coincidental.<br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;">[“Christ
in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can
be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;">{If
you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at
jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-57022554046366366652013-02-11T09:35:00.001-08:002013-02-11T09:35:51.109-08:00The Surest Sign of The Holy Spirit<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the
citizens of Periwinkle </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">[because
all the other colors were already taken]</span><span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> County: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">THE
SUREST SIGN OF THE HOLY SPIRIT<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">The
Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">retired </i>in Periwinkle County, or at
least that’s what they tell him, was approaching his usual booth at The Good to
the Last Glop Coffee Shop and Gravy Bistro, with a copy of a red-letter New
Testament under his arm, to put on the table in front of him to keep any Bible-believers
from sitting with him, since Bible-believers think that the black words are as
good as the red words, because there are ways to exclude others in the black
words and there aren’t any in the red words, which is why they claim to be
Bible-believers instead of Christ-believers, lest he lose points in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hermudgeon of the Year </i>competition, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermudgeon </i>being a conflation of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermit</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">curmudgeon</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>when he
noticed that four-year-old Clara Wembley was already sitting in the booth
across from his spot.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“At
least I won’t have to worry about anyone else wanting to sit with me,” he
muttered. “How come you’re in my booth, Clara?” <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Just
waiting for you, Randy preacher. Mommy said I could hang out with you while I
get the Holy Spirit.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“How
nice of her,” said The Rev. Nathan, “but if you must refer to me by my first
name, I prefer Preacher Randy, as you well know.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“Well
no, to you, too,” said Clara. “Do you have two dimes?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Randall
pulled out his change purse and pressured the top into opening. “Why, yes, I
do,” he said.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“Good,”
said Clara. “Give ‘em to me. Pastor Polly said yesterday during the children’s
sermon that we have to learn to accept the pair of dimes shift. I’m going to
accept the shifting of your pair of dimes to me.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“Sounds
like a good children’s sermon,” said Randall, shifting the pair of dimes into
Clara’s brown-stained hand. “But I thought Pastor Polly was at the Methodist.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“No,
that’s Pastor Patty. Pastor Polly is temporary at the Luteran. At least I don’t
think she’ll be back. When she was handing out the wafers yesterday for
communion, when she took one herself, I yelled ‘Polly wants a cracker.’ No
loss. I don’t know why they call her a Luteran, anyway. She never plays the
lute.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“What’s
that brown stain on your hands, Clara?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“Oh, I’m
getting the Holy Spirit.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“Yes,
I remember you mentioning that you were here for that purpose, but I don’t
think I understand…”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“Not
to worry,” said Clara. “I don’t mind explaining. Yesterday when Pastor Polly
read the Bible, she said that when Jesus was talking to that Baptist guy while
they were swimming in the river, that Baptist splashed some water on Jesus, the
way guys do when they’re horsing around in the water, and the Holy Spirit
clanged down on Jesus’ head like a dove bar. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“Are
you sure there was a bar after the dove, Clara?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">“Sure.
Bars are always after doves. That’s what they do in the woods. That’s why doves
don’t go in the woods anymore. But I figure it doesn’t have to be just a dove
bar. Any chocolate will give you the Holy Spirit. So I’m drinking hot chocolate
while I eat my dove.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Rev.
Nathan beckoned to Abby Rhodes, the waitress. He pointed at Clara. “I’ll have
what she’s having,” he said.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">***<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">The
similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other
places is rarely coincidental.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On
Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at
http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">{If you would like to receive PC or CIW
by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the
list.}<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
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John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-78640463111482197102012-12-05T13:47:00.001-08:002012-12-05T13:47:18.495-08:00A BLACK FRIDAY MIRACLE
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Periwinkle
Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors
were already taken] County…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">A
Black Friday Miracle<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Most
people shop for clothes or toys on Black Friday. Marcella Corella bought a new
car.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">She
took her father, Jubillo Corella, with her and went to Herschel Feinberg’s
“Cars The Way They Ought to Be Emporium.” Herschel has been stockpiling
out-of-print cars for years—Studebaker, Packard, Nash, Desoto, Hudson—cars that
were built the right way, meaning they were built long ago, since anything
manufactured a long time ago, according to old people, which Herschel is, is
better than anything manufactured more recently. Reluctantly and sorrowfully,
he has now begun to store new Mercurys, Pontiacs, Oldsmobiles, and Plymouths.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Since
she was 2 years old, which was 48 years ago, Marcella has wanted a Hudson but
felt it was too much car for her, so she settled for Hondas, since they also
start with “H,” and with gasoline. Since she hit 50, though, she has decided
she needs a grown-up car. She really wanted that Hudson, the same type her
grandmother used to drive in stock-car races when she was a teen, but her
father favored a Plymouth, since Herschel won’t sell you a car unless you can
justify your choice historically. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I
know it’s not quite as grown-up,” he said, “but think of the historical
implications. Think of Plymouth Rock.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Yes,”
she countered, “but think of Hudson Bay and the importance of the fur trade.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Herschel
was satisfied and sold her the Hudson, a sparkling green Hornet. What with
Herschel calling in all the mechanics to help him decide whether the settling
of Plymouth Rock or the Hudson Bay fur trade had been more important to the
development of American literature, especially when Yogi “Bear” Ypsilanti, the
new Mercury mechanic, stuck the necessity of Desoto’s discoveries into the
discussion, since he’s irritated because he always has to argue the issue of
the planet Mercury v. the fluid mercury, the transaction took four hours. All
this time, Marcella’s mother, Florella, and her friend, Antonina Giuliani, and
her other friend, Rudolpho Randino, were waiting anxiously to see what car she
came back with.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Marcella
had driven half-way into the garage when her mother, Florella, waved her down.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Stop!”
she cried. “We have to see this color in sunlight to determine whether it’s
really green, if we can call it The Green Hornet.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">So
Marcella stopped the car where it was and got out to help Florella and Antonina
and Rudolpho admire it. Just then Mrs. Ipsophacto from next door came out. She
had not seen Marcella for a long time and held out her arms for a hug. Marcella
ran to her, forgetting that the garage door opener was in her pocket, and as
they hugged, the opener got compressed between them, and the big heavy garage
door began to come down on Marcella’s brand new old car. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Stop
it!” cried Rudolpho. “Stop the garage door!”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He
ran to it and tried to push it back up but it kept descending.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“It
doesn’t have one of those automatic stoppers,” screamed Marcella.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Jump
into it and back it out further,” shouted Jubillo, Marcella’s father. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I
can’t,” said Marcella, who is an English teacher. “If it’s distance, the word
is ‘farther,’ so it would be wrong to back it out ‘further.’”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Help
Rudolpho push the door up,” yelled Antonina.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I
can’t,” said Mrs. Ipsophacto. “I hate his mother. She once insulted my baked
persimmon brie.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">But
suddenly the door stopped dead.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“It’s
a Black Friday miracle,” shouted Florella.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“It’s
a sign from God,” said Jubillo. “She prefers Hudsons.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I
don’t think the smashed chipmunk in the track thinks it’s a miracle or a sign
from God, either one,” observed Antonina.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">***<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Golden
Persimmons are awarded to Mary Beth Connolly, Chris Rander, Jennifer Jackson,
and Helen Karr McFarland, since the similarity between happenings in Periwinkle
County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">[“Christ
in Winter,” reflections on faith for people in the winter of their years, can
be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">You
can find John Robert McFarland’s tweets on Twitter @yooper1721.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-16307567934595695472012-11-16T06:58:00.001-08:002012-11-16T06:58:12.537-08:00K9 KAPERS
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Periwinkle
Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors
were already taken] County: <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">K9
Kapers<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">The
Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">retired </i>in Periwinkle County, or at
least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at Buddy Mutts Cafe,
having borrowed Ernie the Barker from his grandchildren, Betsy and Johnny
Kendy, since Buddy Mutts won’t let you in without a dog, with a copy of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Michelle Bachman’s Facts About American
History </i>on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him,
lest he lose points in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hermudgeon of
the Year </i>competition, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermudgeon </i>being
a conflation of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermit</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">curmudgeon</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>when Trooper Adam Wun came in, with Run Tin Can, his trooper dog, and
slipped into the booth across from him.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Ernie,
of course, barked, but when the German shepherd trooper dog gave him a haughty
toss of the head and ignored him as insignificant, he went back to his
roast-beef flavored cappuccino.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“How’s
the dog sniffing training going?” asked Randall Nathan.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“Great,
except for those old lady groupies who follow us around.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“Why
do they do that?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“They
want to see how the dogs find things, so they can teach their husbands to do
the same thing to find all the things they lose.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">When
you’ve been a pastor for fifty years, you know when someone wants a favor.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“Go
ahead and ask it,” said Randall.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“Well,
we’re having the field trials over at Sandwich Points, and I’d like for you to
come.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“Why
in the world?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“Well,
it’s my turn to furnish the cadaver for the trials, and you come as close to
qualifying as anybody I know.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">***<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">The
similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other
places is rarely coincidental.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">[“Christ
in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can
be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">{If
you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at
jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-83815794583445988502012-09-21T07:31:00.002-07:002012-09-21T07:31:27.467-07:00'Tis Better To Have Loved & Lost
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the
citizens of Periwinkle </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">[because
all the other colors were already taken]</span><span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
County: <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘TIS BETTER 2 HAVE LOVED & LOST<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">The
Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">retired </i>in Periwinkle County, or at
least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The Whistle &
Thistle Biker Bar & Episcopal Ladies Tea House, or W&TBB&ELTH for
short, with a copy of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Michelle Bachman’s
Facts About American History </i>on the table in front of him, to keep anyone
from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hermudgeon of the Year </i>competition, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermudgeon </i>being a conflation of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermit</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">curmudgeon</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>when Edie Whistle, the proprietress of
The W&TBB&ELTH came over and slipped into the booth across from him.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Oh,
this is going to be bad. Here comes Malcolm Adroit. It’s Bessie Bandervilt’s
funeral this morning, and that old coot is still in his old overalls. He’s
going to embarrass himself no end, going to her funeral at The Talistic Funeral
Home & Wedding Chapel. Fay Talistic is a real stickler for new overalls for
funerals and weddings both.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“He’s
not going to her funeral,” said Rev. Nathan.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“He
told you that?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“No,
but he figures since he chased after her all those years and mooned over her
and she wouldn’t even give him the time of day, he’s not worthy.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“What?”
said Edie. “You a mind-reader now?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“No,
I’m an overall reader. Also Kate Roberts told me. She was going to take him,
but he refuses to go.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Is
that Good-Eye Roberts?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Yes,
Edie, but we wouldn’t have to call her that to distinguish her from the other
Kate Roberts if we would just stop calling the other one Bad-Eye.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Well,
she’s got only one eye, and it’s bad, but no matter which eye, it’s up to you
to do deal with him,” said Edie as she grabbed her silver pot of Earl Grey and
hurried over to the Episcopal Ladies section.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Mal
Adroit slipped into the seat she had vacated and sighed. “You hear about
Bessie? Dead so young,” he said.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“She
was ninety-six, Mal.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Yes,
but she still had that girlish figure, and such a mind. She could recite the
Sunday funnies from memory. From 1943 on. No wonder she never even noticed me.
I loved her from afar.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“That
was mostly because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">afar </i>was as close
as she would let you get, Mal.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Yes,
but yearning for her was my whole life. Now I have nothing to live for, because
trying to get her to notice me was what kept me going.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Oh,
she noticed you, Mal. A lot. She figured if someone like you could love her so
much, even from afar, especially from afar, that life was worth living. That’s
what kept <u>her</u> going all these years.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Gosh,
Randy, how do you know that?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I
know things other people don’t, Mal. It goes with the territory. Now you’d
better go home and get into your good overalls before her funeral. I’ll tell
Good Eye… uh, I mean, Kate, to come fetch you.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I’ll
do it, Randy. My life has meaning again.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">As
Mal Adroit hurried out, Edie Whistle sidled back over. “I never knew about
Bessie thinking life was worth living because of Mal loving her from afar.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I
didn’t either,” said The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, “until I remembered it just
now. It was in the Sunday funnies back in 1943.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">***<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">A
Golden Persimmon is awarded to Quentin Ryder, because the similarity between
the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely
coincidental. Another Golden Persimmon is awarded to daughter Mary Beth for her
birthday today.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On
Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at
http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">{If you would like to receive PC or CIW
by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the
list.}<o:p></o:p></span><br />
John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-29318330737765995652012-08-21T06:30:00.001-07:002012-08-21T06:30:15.832-07:00The Girl With No Tattoo
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the
citizens of Periwinkle </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">[because
all the other colors were already taken]</span><span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
County: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">The
Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">retired </i>in Periwinkle County, or at
least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at the Lost Chord
Coffee & Music Repair Shop with an accordion on the table in front of him,
to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hermudgeon of the Year </i>competition, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermudgeon </i>being a conflation of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermit</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">curmudgeon</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>when cowboy
poet Bronc Ryder, the Poet Lariat of Periwinkle County, came in and slipped
into the booth across from him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“Apparently
the thought of accordion music does not deter Bronc Ryder,” observed Dr.
Nathan.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“Celestial
places, no,” said Bronc. “I’m only afraid of bassoons, just like everybody
else. I’ve writ a new country love song. Knew you’d want to hear it.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Randall
Nathan could not figure how Bronc figured that, but he sighed and waited while
Bronc pulled a mouth bow from his saddle bag and got it in position at the side
of his mouth and then gave it a twang and began to sing…<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">There
is a girl so lovely, a girl so passing fair, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">a
girl with ripe and rosy cheeks, a girl with golden hair, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">a
girl who has a form divine, with a voice like morning dew, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">but
she’ll never get a man for she’s the girl with no tattoo.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">She
doesn’t have some neat barbed wire or the Chinese character for soup, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">she
doesn’t have a crucifix or the hangman’s loop, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">her
dermis doesn’t show a doggy’s face or a lightning bolt from God, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">how
will she ever get a man with no ink upon her bod?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Then
he yodeled, How can she get a man if she has no cool tattoo?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">She
surely is a lesbian or maybe something worse, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">perhaps
she is a commie, or a writer of blank verse, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">maybe
she’s a Methodist or a Muslim or a Jew, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">you
can’t really hardly ever trust a girl with no tattoo.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">You
can’t know about her faith if it’s not written on her ass, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">there’s
no confession on her biceps when she goes to mass, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">you
don’t know if that rose is long stem or if she’s just getting older, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">you
can’t tell if she loves the flag unless it’s waving on her shoulder;<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Yodeling
again: How can we ever trust her; she’s the girl with no tattoo.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">She
doesn’t have a smokin’ Harley or a skull and crossbones flag, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">tattooed
upon love’s handle or where she’s gonna sag, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">when
she gets a little older and little children run in fear, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">when
they see the sloppy sloshing of her inky mug of beer.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Her
beauty is so fraudulent, her beauty’s a mirage, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">her
family’s so ashamed of her she lives in the garage, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">if
you ever saw her, from the tenth floor you would leap, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">they
won’t let her out in public ‘cause her beauty’s not skin-deep.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Dr.
Nathan cringed as Bronc yodled: They won’t let her out in day light ‘cause her
beauty’s not skin-deep<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">They say it’s in the eye of the
beholder, where beauty does reside, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">even a girl who is a Yooper can be a
blushing bride, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">but it’s hard to see some beauty on skin
where no one drew, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">how can there be a spot of <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>comely on a girl with no tattoo?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">She claims that silver is quite lovely,
and gold’s a pretty sight,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">But they’re just so unreliable for they
all come off at night,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">ink
surely is an art form, you’ve no soul without a tatt, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">unless
you’ve got Cupid on your buttocks you’re just Cassatt without the hat.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Jackson
Pollock would have made it, but he didn’t have a tatt, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">so
would that Picasso guy, but his biceps were too flat,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">to
show a vase of flowers, or even “Mother,” dear, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">instead
his puny arms painted people strange and queer.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Rev.
Nathan sighed, for he knew a yodel was due: She can’t write off depreciation
for she has no art appreciation.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">She doesn’t sport a dragon, she doesn’t
have a dagger, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">she wears no colored crucifix or a
likeness of Mick Jagger, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">she does not display Bugs Bunny or the
near-sighted Mr. Magoo, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">she’s the existential loser, the girl
with no tattoo.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">She is such a schlemiel, she is such a
slob<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">She doesn’t have a dab of ink or even a
little blob<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Her victories are puny, they are so
slight and tiny <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">for she has no inked-in puckered lips
upon her undrawn heiny<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Randall
thought about groaning, but he was afraid Bronc would think he was joining him
in his yodel: She might as well give up for she’s the girl with no tattoo<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Her life’s so inefficient, her life
surely blows, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">when she wants to show you how she’s
feeling, she<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>has to put on clothes.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">It would be much more effective for her
to tell you how she felt,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">if she had a toothy crocodile forever on
her pelt.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">She
wastes time every morning as she puts stuff on,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">so
she has to get up early at the breaking of the dawn,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">why
does she feel she has to look like life’s a full buffet,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">doesn’t
she know it’s more efficacious to wear the same thing every day?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">A
crowd had begun to gather, and Carrie Okie joined Bronc on the yodel: She’s
very nunchalant for she’s not in the habit.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">If
she were Amish they would shun her far and near,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">she’d
be volcanoized by Aztecs at the dawning of the year,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">mad
dogs and Englishmen would shove her into the freezing rain,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">and
even Dead Antelope hoboes would throw her unmarked hide from off the train. [1]<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">I
must be a loser, I must be a nerd, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">I’m
surely the most pathetic man in this strange inky world, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">I
must be a crazy man who’s brain has gone coo-coo, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">for
I am the skin-deep lover of the girl with no tattoo.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Yodel
ledde hee, you should pity me, yodel layhee.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“Whadda
ya think,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rev. Randy?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">“You
were right; it’s truly a country love song,” said Dr. Nathan.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">***<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">1]
Dead Antelope is a town in Periwinkle County, and also in my basement, where
grandson Joe is mayor and chief engineer, and where the Dead Antelope Days
Festival is celebrated each November at the opening of deer season in the UP. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">The
similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other
places is rarely coincidental.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On
Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at
http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">{If you would like to receive PC or CIW
by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the
list.}<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-17242054586722487992012-08-06T05:43:00.001-07:002012-08-06T05:43:17.349-07:00But Dust<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Periwinkle
Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors
were already taken] County: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">The
Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">retired </i>in Periwinkle County, or at
least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at Buddy Mutts Café,
run by The Brothers Jim, who are not brothers to each other but are brothers to
other people, where you are not allowed in unless you have a dog with you,
Faintly, the fainting goat, sitting beside him, since The Brothers Jim are too
busy ignoring each other to notice if a dog is a goat, with a copy of The
Affordable Care Act on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting
with him, lest he lose points in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hermudgeon
of the Year </i>competition, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermudgeon </i>being
a conflation of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermit</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">curmudgeon</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>a copy of The Affordable Care Act itself being more abhorrent than
the results it might bring, since no one wants actually to read it, for fear it
will make them change what they think about it, when Abner Eration came in and
slipped into the booth across from him.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Apparently
Ab Eration is not frightened by The Affordable Care Act,” observed Dr. Nathan.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Fecal
matter, no,” said Ab Eration. “I can make up my mind without knowing any facts.
Didn’t see you at church yesterday, Rev.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I
don’t go in the summer.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“How
come?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Morning
sickness and but dust.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“But
dust?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Yes.
Pastor Patty was giving the prayer one morning, and she said, O Lord, we are
but dust. Four-year-old Clara Wembley piped up in full voice, which is the only
voice Clara uses, and said, Mommy, what is butt dust? Well, you can understand
that no one heard anything else that morning, but it got me to thinking about
but dust. When you’ve been in the church as long as I have, you get covered
with it. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We could pray about it, <u>but </u>it
probably wouldn’t do any good. We could help the poor, <u>bu</u>t they wouldn’t
appreciate it. We could give money to the homeless shelter, <u>but</u> we need
it for our church kitchen. We could vote, <u>but</u> it won’t make any
difference. </i>After a while, you’re just covered with but dust. Most church
people have thick coatings of it. It gives you Sunday morning sickness. Takes a
whole summer of mornings hanging around with fainting goats in the coffee shop
to get rid of it.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I
wondered about the goat,” said Ab Eration.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“It’s
a scape goat, bred to get so excited at the sight of a wolf that they’d faint.
That way the other goats could e-scape while the wolves devoured the
sacrificial lamb, which was actually a goat. They are dying out, though.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“How
come?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Every
time a male fainting goat sees a female, he gets so excited he faints.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I
think you’re throwing but dust my way, Rev,” said Ab.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Then
you’d better have another cup of kindness,” said The Rev. Dr. Nathan, (Retard),
pointing at the Buddy Mutts menu board.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">***<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">The
similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other
places is rarely coincidental.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">[“Christ
in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can
be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">{If
you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at
jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<br /></div>John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-73191559742290841722012-07-02T06:38:00.002-07:002012-07-02T06:38:49.330-07:00Ask a Curmudgeon<span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Periwinkle Chronicles,
tales of the citizens of Periwinkle </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">[because all the other colors were already
taken]</span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> County: <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">The Rev.
Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">retired </i>in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him,
was in his usual booth at </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">The Daily Waffle Pancake and Political Positions
Center</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"> </span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">with 8 &1/2 sets of used false teeth on the
table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose
points in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hermudgeon of the Year </i>competition,
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermudgeon </i>being a conflation of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermit</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">curmudgeon</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>as an homage
to Federico Fellini’s film, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">8 ½</i>,
because Claire hates <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">8 ½</i> so much that
whenever she wants to go out in the evening, all he has to do is suggest they
go to the Snider Art Cineplex, where <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">8 ½</i>
is always showing, which causes her to suggest that they stay home and eat
Wilbur Bluenfronter fair-trade popcorn and watch Big Bang Theory reruns
instead, the false teeth having been borrowed from Pastor Patty, who is
collecting them for a dental mission trip to England, which happens to
correspond with the dates of the London Olympics, where she hopes to see the
slow boat turning competition on the Thames, when Ray D’Eaux, the host of Ask a
Curmudgeon on Radio Free Periwinkle came in and slipped into the booth across
from him.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Apparently
radio hosts are not deterred by used false teeth,” mused Dr. Nathan.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Nether
world, no,” said Ray D’Eaux. “We’re used to the chattering classes.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">He
placed a glowing red light on the table and announced, “We’re on the air. Our
first question today: If a curmudgeon meets an old woman on the path while
walking, what is the minimal acceptable number of syllables in greeting? What
say you, Dr. Nathan?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Two,”
said Randall.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“I
thought you’d say one syllable, Rev. Can’t you just say <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ho</i>? That’s a distance word, like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Onward, ho.</i>”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“It is
not wise to say <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Onward, ho, </i>to an old
woman as she walks,” observed the (Retard) preacher. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“This
seems to be an important topic for curmudgeons and other social malcontents,”
said Ray D’Eaux, “because there’s a follow-up question: In meeting said old
woman on the path, how many lines of banal conversation about the weather are
acceptable before going back to glowering? And should there be an even number
of moronically obvious observations, or does the person who initiated the
exchange get the last banality?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“A
curmudgeon never initiates conversation,” observed Randall, “but if said old
woman initiates conversation with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hot,
isn’t it? </i>it is acceptable to counter with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">But we need rain. </i>If she says, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">They
need it more in Colorado, </i>you may say <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">So
true. </i>By that time you should be far enough past her that you can pretend
you are hard of hearing and simply ignore <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">But
it’s a great day, anyway, because… “<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“I’m
afraid that’s all the time we have today,” said Ray D’Eaux, turning off the red
light. “I’m sure curmudgeons throughout Periwinkle Nation were helped by your
keen observations, Rev. Nathan.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“I know
one who was,” thought Randall. “I really liked those answers, since I was the
one who sent in those questions.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">***<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">The
similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other
places is rarely coincidental.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">[“Christ
in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can
be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt;">{If
you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at
jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-72325309215606164852012-06-05T05:22:00.000-07:002012-06-05T05:22:35.266-07:00Down in Silicon Valley<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the
citizens of Periwinkle </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">[because
all the other colors were already taken]</span><span style="font-family: "Engravers MT","serif"; font-size: 16pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
County: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">DOWN
IN THE [silicon] VALLEY<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">The
Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">retired </i>in Periwinkle County, or at
least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at Starplucks Coffee
Shop and Naked Chicken Emporium with a rattlesnake named Lefty on the table in
front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hermudgeon of the Year </i>competition, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermudgeon </i>being a conflation of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermit</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">curmudgeon</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>when Bronc
Ryder, the cowboy poet, came in and slipped into the booth across from him.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Apparently
the Poet Lariat of Periwinkle County is not deterred by rattle snakes,”
observed Randall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Excrement,
no,” said Bronc Ryder. “Me and Lefty go back a long ways. You sung Down in the
Valley lately, Randy preacher?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I’d
prefer Preacher Randy if you must combine my title with my first name, and no,
I have not sung Down in the Valley recently. It’s not in the hymnal at The
Methodist.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“That’s
because everbody’s got one of them infernal dish-washing machines anymore. Down
in the Valley’s a song you learn when you’re doing the dishes with your sister.
Not a single child has learned that song since them dish machines was invented,
nor talked to their sister, neither. But I’ve got a remedy.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He
put his Jon Kay mouth bow up to the corner of his face and began to pluck its
single string as he sang:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“In
silicon valley, valley so sweet, power up your iPad, see every Tweet. See every
tweet, dear, see every tweet. Shouldn’t you be hearing instead of seeing a
tweet?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Silas
Beria, the dishwasher, came out from the kitchen to listen. Bronc Ryder
continued to pluck and sing.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“If
you don’t love me, throw my name to the wind, but please forever be my two
hundred thirteenth Facebook friend. My two-thirteen friend, dear, my two-thirteen
friend, please be forever my true Facebook friend.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Lefty
began to rattle, but Bronc kept singing.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Rose
loves a Kindle, Violet loves Nook, everbody on YouTube knows you got so drunk
you shook. Knows you got drunk, dear, so drunk you you shook. Everbody on
YouTube knows you got by your lover forsook.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“While
the facts of your version are probably accurate,” said the old preacher,
“that’s a rather tortured rhyme.” <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Bronc
paid him no mind but did put in a yodel before he continued. “Yodel-lay-hee-hoo,
cows in FarmVille moo.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Build
me a firewall, keep Nigerian princes out, if you’re ever on Skype, dear, then
give me a shout.” Si Beria and Abby Rhode, the waitress, apparently liked to
Skype, for they sang along on the chorus. “Meet me on Skype, dear, meet me on
Skype, meet me on Skype so I won’t have to type.” <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Text
me a message, use your opposable thumbs, then buy me a gross of Rollaids and Tums.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">By
this time even Professor Ben “Seymour” Butts was singing along.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Rollaids
and Tums, dear, Rollaids and Tums, buy me a gross of Rollaids and Tums.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Google
her picture, Google her name. They’ll put up your image in the FBI hall of
fame.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Four-year-old
Clara Wembley was riding by on Shingles, the dog, wearing spurs since she still
has not forgiven him for stealing her blankie on Christmas eve of 2009. She
suspects there is an informant in her pre-school, so when she heard the FBI
mentioned, she rode in under the swinging doors. To be inconspicuous she sang
along on the chorus.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“FBI
hall of fame, dear, FBI hall of fame, they’ll put up your image in the FBI hall
of fame.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Mail
me a message, by old-fashioned email. Send it in care of the Palo Alto jail.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Even
The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), joined in on the chorus.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“The
Palo Alto jail, dear, the Palo Alto jail, send it in care of the Palo Alto
jail.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Hey,
Lefty just bit himself,” exclaimed Bronc Ryder.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I’m
afraid,” sighed the preacher, “that he felt suicide was the only option.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">***<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">A
golden persimmon is awarded to Jon Kay [www.traditionalartsindiana.org], and to
Mary Virginia Lindquist, dishwashing sister singer, because the similarity
between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is
rarely coincidental.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On
Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at
http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Demi","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">{If you would like to receive PC or CIW
by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the
list.}<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-57357666433765038342012-04-28T06:49:00.000-07:002012-04-28T06:49:26.744-07:00Pox on a Biscuit<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Periwinkle
Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors
were already taken] County: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">The
Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">retired </i>in Periwinkle County, or at
least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at Good to the Last
Meme Coffee Shop and Paradigm Shift Center with four-year-old Clara Wembley
beside him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hermudgeon of the Year </i>competition, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermudgeon </i>being a conflation of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hermit</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">curmudgeon</i>,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>Clara’s
pre-school teachers not requiring her presence except when it is time for her
mother to pick her up, when Dominic Inoe and Elizabeth Rall came in and slipped
into the booth across from them.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">"What
the hell do you think Dom Inoe and Libby Rall want?” Clara asked Dr. Nathan in
as quiet a voice as she can muster.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Hey,
why the stage whisper?” asked Libby. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“It
was really more like sotto voce,” said Randall.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“They
look more like Sacco and Vanzetti,” said Clara, who is familiar with such
people because her pre-school teachers, who have doctorates in history and so
work in child care, often accuse her of anarchism. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“We
need your opinion, Randy preacher,” said Dom Inoe.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“If
you must use title and given name together,” said Dr. Nathan, “I prefer
Preacher Randy.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Irrelevant,”
said Libby Rall. “We need a tie breaker. Last night at the Quadrennial Theory
Debate at the Persimmon Palace, Dom Inoe espoused his usual theory that any
change always leads to a succession of worser things, like if you have public
TV that will lead to Sesame Street and that will lead to Communism and then
nobody will work.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“And
Libby Rall,” said Dom Inoe, “espoused her usual theory that change always leads
to something better, like if you develop plastic bottles eventually you’ll have
squeezable pancake batter and women won’t have to cook and they can be on
reality shows and send their children to pre-school.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“But
why do you need my opinion?” asked Rev. Nathan.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“The
judges couldn’t decide between our theories,” said Dom. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Yeah,
they said they couldn’t decide until anonymous people made 60 second TV
documentaries pointing out the flaws in each other’s theories,” said Libby.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“That
sounds like one of those shrimp shows on TV I’m not allowed to watch,” said
Clara.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I
believe she refers to prawnography,” said the retard preacher. “Clara sometimes
gets her diphthongs confused.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Hey,
you won’t catch me wearing one of those things,” said Clara. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Perhaps,”
said Randall, “neither theory is right. Perhaps each action is discrete,
leading to nothing else, and should be judged on its own merits rather than
what it might lead to.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“That’s
crazy,” said Libby.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Yeah,”
said Dom. “You follow that theory and we’ll end up with a half-black
president.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Or
a Mormon one,” said Libby.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Either
one would be a disaster,” they said together.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“I
suspect your theories are in for a severe challenge,” said Pastor Nathan.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Why
are grown-ups even allowed in those debates?” asked Clara. “Pox on a biscuit.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“Isn’t
that pax vobiscum,” asked Libby and Dom.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">“No,
I think Clara’s analysis is correct,” said Randall. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Clara
raised her hand. “Pox on a biscuit to you all,” she intoned.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">***<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">The
similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places
is rarely coincidental.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">[“Christ
in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can
be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">{If
you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net,
and I’ll put you on the list.}<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-58907191494295893972012-04-16T10:00:00.001-07:002012-04-16T10:03:46.243-07:00The Frozen Chosen RacePeriwinkle Chronicles, Tales of the Citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br /><br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at Instalube Coffee Shop & Car Spa, with a copy of The Hundred Best Persimmon Pork Rind Recipes on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Hyman Perbole, the rabbi of the synagogue of Memphjus, the seat of Periwinkle County, came in and slipped into the booth across from him.<br /><br />“Oy,” said Hy Perbole. “I feel just like Joshua after he fit the battle of Geritol.”<br /><br />“I thought that was Jericho where he… uh, fit,” said Randall.<br /><br />“Oy, vey,” said Hy. “After a battle like that, he needed Geritol, just like me.”<br /><br />“You’ve had a battle?”<br /><br />“The worst type of battle, even worse than the synagogue finance committee. It was the Frozen Chosen Race, and it was your nephew, Daniel, who did us in.”<br /><br />“Oh, yes, I recall that St. John the Catholic Baptist Church challenged the synagogue to a race around Frozen Lake to see who would be the chosen people for the coming year. Daniel said something about running in the race. But I thought he was on your team.”<br /><br />“Oy, so did we. We didn’t have twelve runners, to represent the twelve tribes of Israel, to counter St. John the Catholic Baptist’s twelve disciples of you know who, but we needed only eleven, because we had to keep one spot open for Elijah in case he showed up to run, but we still had only ten, but your Daniel had a yarmulke from when he sang Sunrise, Sunset at a wedding, which sort of makes him an honorary, and he said he would run for us, representing the tribe of Dan, of course, and we believed him.”<br /><br />“Didn’t he show up to run?” asked Randall.<br /><br />“Oy, vey, did he ever run. 40 times around the lake we ran.”<br /><br />“Oh, to represent the 40 days Israel wandered in the wilderness? Or the 40 days Noah was on the arc?”<br /><br />“No, we’re American, God bless us. The 40 times around the Frozen Lake represented the 40 days Joseph “The Brigand” Olds wandered in the town of Hope’s Promise looking for a Taco Bell. That’s in the Book of Norman. And your nephew, Daniel, ran so fast that he won the race for us, even though the rest of us ran so slow that we finished in places 14 through 25, counting Elijah, who was dead last. The St. John the Catholic Baptists finished 2 through 13. We’re the damned by God chosen people again for another year, and who wants to be the chosen people? You know what that means—chosen for more suffering. And it’s all your nephew’s fault.”<br /><br />“Maybe he didn’t understand that he was supposed to run slowly so you could avoid being the chosen people again,” said Randall.<br /><br />“Oy, vey, it wasn’t really his fault,” said Rabbi Hy Perbole. “We didn’t know his parents were African missionaries and he was raised in Kenya. You know how those people run. Well, at least it should be a help if he runs for president.”<br /><br />***<br />The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <br /><br /><br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-49874020544798989612012-03-30T05:50:00.001-07:002012-03-30T05:52:56.778-07:00The Worship # PewPeriwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br /><br />THE WORSHIP # CHURCH<br /><br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at Starclucks Coffee Shop & Chicken Hatchery ©, with a feather war bonnet, a tomahawk, and a toupee on the table, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year ® competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Pastor Chip came in and slipped into the booth across from him.<br /><br />“Where’s your smart phone?” asked Randall. “How will you call on your members if you can’t click Like on their Facebook pages?” [Pastor Chip’s virtual church appeared in the Jan. 30 post at http://periwinklechronicles.blogspot.com/]<br /><br />“Oh, we’re well beyond the virtual church concept,” said Pastor Chip. “That is so yesterday.”<br /><br />“Does that mean it didn’t go well?”<br /><br />“Well, yes, that, too, but I got a chance to buy the local franchise for the Worship # Pew ™, and you can’t pass up a chance like that.”<br /><br />“That must have cost a lot of money.”<br /><br />“Yes, but I got it by selling the naming rights. We’re officially the Butt Light Weight Loss Plan Worship # Church.” ™<br /><br />“Is the Worship # Pew like the Sleep Number Bed? ©”<br /><br />“Exactly. You just turn the dial to your Personal Awesome Worship Number, or PAWN ©. You can just sit in your pew and dial up on the screen the particular sort of worship you want. Everybody looks at the same screen, but they see only their particular worship service.”<br /><br />“Isn’t that the same thing as sitting home and watching the kind of worship you like on TV?” asked Randall.<br /><br />“No, because being part of a worship # pew church creates community ® since we’re all in the same place, even though we’re seeing different worship. Everybody is satisfied without being challenged. People come to church for comfort, not challenge. This way commie libs and intolerant fundies get to worship together without ever having the same experience. Nobody likes that, either. The Worship # Pew motto is Cheap Grace is Expensive ©.”<br /><br />Randall picked up the tomahawk and wondered where the Apaches were when you really needed them.<br /><br /> “You ought to come and give the worship # pew worship a chance, Dr. Nathan,” said Pastor Chip. “I’ll bet we’ve got your #.”<br /><br />“Do you have 3.14?” asked The Rev. Dr. Nathan. “I think the only way I can swallow expensive cheap grace is if I have pi with it.”<br /><br />***<br />The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <br /><br />{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<br /><br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-7695041245271033072012-02-27T10:03:00.001-08:002012-02-27T10:05:37.401-08:00Chaos TheoryPeriwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br /><br /><br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The Buddy Mutts Café, with three-year-old Clara Wembley at his side, since they won’t let you into Buddy Mutts without a dog, and in the process of borrowing Shingles from the Wembleys, he had somehow acquired Clara, since she still has not forgiven Shingles for stealing her blankie on Christmas eve of 2009, and doesn’t let him out of her sight, for fear that some good thing might happen to him, and also because the presence of Clara and Shingles would keep anyone from sitting with him, since everyone in Periwinkle County knows that where Clara and Shingles are, some good thing is not likely to happen, and if someone sat with him, he would lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Ella Phant, the chairwoman of the PC GOP came in with her dog Flipflop, which has one fuchsia eye and one azure eye, and slipped into the booth across from him.<br /><br />“Big day for you tomorrow,” said Randall, “what with the presidential primary, and all.”<br /><br />“Yes, and we have to get the Santorum theory proved by tomorrow so everyone will know how to vote,” said Ella Phant. “That’s why Tippi Kanew, and Tyler, too, her son, are here to set up the dominoes.”<br /><br />Just then Tippi Kanew, and Tyler, too, came in and started setting up a row of dominoes on the floor.<br /><br />“The Santorum theory says that if you give people more freedom it always leads to something worse,” explained Ella Phant. “For instance, if gay marriage becomes legal, it will lead to legalized marriage with animals, just like one domino falls and hits the next one in line and eventually they all go down.”<br /><br />“I thought marriage to animals was already legal,” said Gladys Freely, from the next booth, watching her husband, Moose, slurp his coffee. <br /><br />“But Dean Ray Davis of The College of Arminianism over at Hope’s Promise University in Crimson County says that the domino theory works in the other direction, that if you give people more freedom, better things always happen,” said Randall.<br /><br />Just then Bessie Bandervilt passed by the window, wearing her fur hat, the one with the taxidermied form of Sampson, her late squirrel companion, on her head. Shingles saw it and bolted for the door, right through the middle of all the dominoes Tippi Kanew, and Tyler, too, had set up on the floor, causing them to start falling in all directions at once.<br /><br />“I think Shingles just disproved the domino theory, Clara, and proved chaos theory,” said The Rev. Dr. Nathan. <br /><br />“I thought chaos theory is something in science, not that there’s anything right with that,” said Ella Phant.<br /><br />“No, it’s about humans,” said Randall. “Give people freedom, or take it away, either way, it leads to chaos. People aren’t any more able to handle freedom than a dead squirrel.”<br /><br />“We should turn freedom over to the dogs then,” said Clara, looking out the window. “Shingles is handling that dead squirrel pretty well.”<br />***<br />The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <br /><br />{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<br /><br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-34220437215724373932012-02-14T08:25:00.000-08:002012-02-14T08:29:08.425-08:00A Song Too FarPeriwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br /><br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce "retired" in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at "The Cupid’s Bottomless Cup Coffee Shop and Romance Remainders Outlet" with a CD of "Newt’s Favorite Love Songs" on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Roy A. Kuff, the country singing legend, came in and slipped into the booth across from him.<br /><br />“I thought you were dead,” Randall Nathan said.<br /><br />“No, I know I’m not. I looked me up on that ‘Who’s Dead and Who’s Not’ site on the Google. And since I ain’t dead, I’m gonna ask Miss Maserati Oxford, the famous game show guest, to marry me.” <br /><br />“That sounds like a proper Valentine’s Day thing to do, but isn’t she too young for you? After all, you must be pretty old by now.”<br /><br />“Yeah, I know. I’m along about 90 or thereabouts, according to the Google. She’s only 78. It’s a November-December romance. But those can work. Look at Newt and his next intern. I even wrote a song especially for Miss Maserati Oxford for Valentine’s Day.”<br /><br />He tuned up his air guitar and began to sing.<br /><br />“If you was a cockroach, I wouldn’t stomp on you. I’d let you eat my garbage until your face was blue, and that’s how much I’m loving you, hoo hoo hoooo.”<br /><br />He yodeled on the last line. A pig got up and slowly walked away. Roy A. Kuff did not notice.<br /><br />“If you was a hornet, I’d let you sting my nose. When it got real big and sneezy I’d give it to you like a rose, and that’s how much I’m loving you, de doodle doodle hoooo.”<br /><br />Shingles the dog began to howl. Three-year-old Clara Wembley put her hands over his ears, which surprised everyone, since Clara still has not forgiven Shingles for stealing her blankie on Christmas eve of 2009 and thus her usual approach to Shingles’ troubles is schadenfreude. Roy A. Kuff did not notice.<br /><br />“If you was a hooker I’d let you tow my truck, and when we got to the junkyard …”<br /><br />At that point The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan accidentally spilled his cup of Moose Drool Supreme right onto the strings of Roy A. Kuff’s air guitar. As he told Claire about it later, he said, “Even on Valentine’s Day, sometimes you just have to take a stand against romance.”<br /><br />***<br />The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years,” can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <br /><br />{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<br /><br /><br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-41299074855608845222012-01-30T09:52:00.000-08:002012-01-30T09:55:09.081-08:00The Church of AwesomePeriwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br /><br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at My Cup Overfloweth Coffee House and Italian Suited Tarot Deck Center with a book of The Best Quotes about C. Raydean Davis {I never could C Raydean Davis} on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Pastor Chip came in and slipped into the booth across from him.<br /><br />“My new church is going real well,” said Pastor Chip. “We got a write-up on the Persimmon Momently Report blog, and we’ve hit it big on Faithbook and Chirper, lots of Chirps about us.”<br /><br />“Anybody coming?” asked Dr. Nathan.<br /><br />“That’s not how you measure success these days,” said Pastor Chip. “It’s a virtual world. People aren’t used to getting up and going to a bricks and mortar place. It’s all about how many people hit the Praise circle under a Faithbook post and how many Share it and how much publicity you get.”<br /><br />“How do the Baptists feel about that?”<br /><br />“Oh, we don’t call ourselves Baptists anymore. That’s too limiting. We’re The Church of the Awesome.”<br /><br />“Nothing limiting about that,” observed Randall. “Can I get an Amen?” <br /><br />“Oh, we don’t say Amen,” said Pastor Chip. “Everybody just clicks Like on their Faithbook page. We’ve taken it to the next level. There are some people who still come to the building, but we don’t use screens on the wall anymore. Each worshipper just uses the Awesome app on their smart phone. It’s no diff from everybody looking down at a hymnal.”<br /><br />“So you still have a hymnal, then?”<br /><br />“Of course not. They only have hymns nobody wants to sing.<br />We don’t have to worry about choosing hymns nobody likes anymore. Everybody just chooses what they like on the hymnal app and then tweets the # to the rest of the congregation and they click on Like.”<br /><br />“A hymnal app?”<br /><br />“Oh, yes. The great thing about a hymnal app is that it’s constantly updated. Just this week we added I’m ROTFLMAO at the Devil, and Awesome Dude, Take My Hand, and There Will be Equilibrium in the Valley, and Amazon.com Grace, and He’s the Hashtag of the Valley, and The Heavens Are Twitting the Glory of Awesome, and O For a Thousand Power Point Slides, and In the Organic Garden and Tweeter As the Years Go By, and Tweet, Tweet Spirit.”<br /><br />“Sounds awesome,” said Randall.<br /><br />“Oh, it is. The Church of Awesome® is so cutting edge™ that even Catholics are coming, so we put in some awesome for them. We have a drive-thru confessional.”<br /><br />“How does that work?” asked Randall.<br /><br />“The sign says it all,” replied Pastor Chip. “Toot & Tell or Go 2 Hel.©”<br /><br />He pulled an ED out of his pocket.<br /><br />“What are you doing now?” asked Randall.<br /><br />“I’m calling on all my members, clicking Like on their Faithbook pages. That way they know I care about them. But I’ve got to get going.”<br /><br />“Amen,” sighed Randall.<br /><br />“No, no,” said Pastor Chip. “We say TTYL.” <br /><br />***<br />The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <br /><br />{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-38524282728989574372012-01-18T06:25:00.000-08:002012-01-18T06:28:34.846-08:00In Line or On PersonPeriwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br /><br />***<br /><br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at the “Good to the Last Slop Coffee House and Colbert Nation Museum” peacefully sipping his Caribou Crunch Coffee, which is listed on the menu as Kariboo Krunch Kauphy, but he refuses to drink misspelled coffee, but likes CCC a lot, and does not like KKK, so he respells it in his moleskin notebook where he keeps his personal menus of the joints he frequents, when a man came in and grabbed the rubber boa constrictor The Rev. Dr. Nathan, (Retard) puts in the seat across from him in his booth so that nobody will sit there, lest he lose points in The Hermudgeon of the Year competition, “hermudgeon” being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, and said, “What the hell’s this?”<br /><br />“A boa,” said Randall.<br /><br />“Oh,” said Horace, and he wrapped it around his neck and sat down. “Haven’t seen you in a long time.”<br /><br />“It’s been longer than that,” said Randall. “We’ve never met.”<br /><br />“Yeah, but I recognize you from your picture at the post office, but I haven’t been there in a long time, so I haven’t seen you in a long time.”<br /><br />“I’m Ran…”<br /><br />“I know,” interrupted Horace, “you’re randy. I can see that. That’s my problem, too. And now they won’t let me into the Henry Ferd Community College over to the hard road, and they should never have named it after that anti-simian, anyway.”<br /><br />“I didn’t realize that Henry Ferd was an anti-simian,” said Randall. “I thought he was just famous for inventing the automatic persimmon pervenator.” <br /><br />“Oh, yeah, total anti-simian. Hated monkeys. Bamboos, too.”<br /><br />“Don’t you mean baboons?”<br /><br />“No, he thought they were okay, because they could be trained to use his pervenators. But he hated pandas, too, ‘cause they’ve got those disposable thumbs and can’t use the pervenators, so he hated bamboos, ‘cause pandas like to eat them, you know.”<br /><br />“What does this have to do with them not letting you into the Community College?”<br /><br />“Well, it said in ‘The Old Weird Harold’ that you could register online or in person. I didn’t want to stand in line, and I’m a person, so I just went out there and right through their front doors and there wasn’t even any line, just this woman with big balloons sitting there at a desk. Must have been left over from a party. But she said I’d have to get into their computer, and durned if I’m going to do that. I’ve read all about them things. They steal your id. You realize how hard it is to get along at my age without an id? Now, if they’d steal my super-ego, that would be okay, but not my id.”<br /><br />“I think that’s I-D instead of id,” said Randall.<br /><br />“I got no eye-dee what you’re talking about.”<br /><br />“It’s pronounced id…”<br /><br />“Oh, yeah, I know that. Beware the ids of Marge. I’ll tell you, that woman’s got an id like you wouldn’t believe.”<br /><br />That was when Randall Nathan flipped the switch on the remote control that causes his rubber boa to start constricting. <br /><br />***<br />The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <br /><br />{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<br /><br /> <br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-77723244750048978302011-12-16T04:53:00.000-08:002011-12-16T04:55:29.077-08:00The True Christmas MiraclePeriwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br /><br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at the Good to the Last Trope Coffee House and Poetry Recycling Center with The Complete Love Poems of Herman Cain on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when three-year-old Clara Wembley came in and slipped into the booth across from him.<br /><br />“Why do you have a mullet haircut, Clara?” asked Randall.<br /><br />“Mommy took a nap,” said Clara. “I gave Shingles an even better do. Now he looks like a candidate for president.”<br /><br />Clara still has not forgiven Shingles the dog for stealing her blankie on Christmas eve of 2009.<br /><br />“Don’t let the SPCA find out. Speaking of your mother, Clara, where is she?”<br /><br />“She said if she came in, you’d find some excuse why you couldn’t stay. This way you have to watch me ‘til she gets back from The Methodist Women & Ladies Xmas Tea.”<br /><br />“I think you should say Christmas instead of Xmas, Clara.”<br /><br />“No, Mommy says it’s Xmas because X is the unknown quantity and that’s the number of times Bessie Bandervilt will tell somebody that she’s smarter than everybody else because she never got a husband. They have a wading pool about it.”<br /><br />“I suspect that’s a betting pool, Clara, but right now we need to decide what you’re going to do while you don’t bother me.”<br /><br />“Don’t you have one of those wooden things… what do you call them…?<br /><br />“Toys, Clara. They were what children played with before EDs,” said Randall Nathan, who is opposed to anything electrical unless coffee results from it.<br /><br />“Oh, yeah. Mommy says Daddy’s got a ED. That’s why he has to see Alice.”<br /><br />“I think she means something other than Electronic Device, Clara.”<br /><br />He pulled a bb thing out of his child entertainment pocket. It was Santa Claus, with bb holes on the top of his hat, and for his eyes and ears, and his belly button, and for each thumb and each big toe.<br /><br />“Oh, great, a bb king,” said Clara. “But wouldn’t it have better cemetery if there were places for a couple of those silver bbs between his legs?”<br /><br />“I think you mean symmetry, Clara, and I choose not to comment on the rest of your question. Get to work.”<br /><br />Clara dutifully began to roll the bbs in an attempt to get them all into the holes.<br /><br />Just then Libby Leftoveer came in and slipped into the booth across from them.<br /><br />“I just got back from Occupy Wal-Mart,” said Libby. “It was awful. Nobody noticed us. We fit right in. They thought we were there for the 10% Off Price Signs sale.”<br /><br />“There’s a thin line between Wal-Mart and anarchy,” observed Randall.<br /><br />Immediately, as the Gospel writer Mark would say, Gretchen Retched of the Faux News station entered and came to the booth and stood over them, at parade rest.<br /> <br />“I thought I’d find you here, making war on Christmas,” said Gretchen Retched. “I’ll bet you’re corrupting the mind of that little girl. She should be working the bb thing with the 10 Commandments.”<br /><br />“What do the 10 Commandments have to do with Christmas?” asked Randall. “Santa is actually a more prevalent Christmas symbol.”<br /><br />“Christmas isn’t religious at all,” retorted Libby to Gretchen. “It’s just a pagan holiday devoted to economic warlords.”<br /><br />“You’re wrong,” cried Gretchen. “The 10 Commandments and Christmas have been the basic foundation of this great nation from the beginning.”<br /><br />“Actually,” said Randall, “the pilgrims banned Christmas, so it was not foundational to our nation, Gretchen. And while Christmas was co-opted by Christians from a pagan holiday, Libby, and it has become a commercial bonanza, it is thoroughly religious for those who have ears to hear the message of peace on earth, good will to people.”<br /><br />“I guess we’ll have to pay more attention to the facts,” said Gretchen Retched and Libby Leftoveer.<br /><br />“It’s a Christmas miracle,” shouted Clara.<br /><br />“Yes, Clara,” said Randall Nathan. “You have witnessed the triumph of truth over…”<br /><br />Then he looked down at the BB Claus in her hands. Every bb was in place.<br /><br />***<br />The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <br /><br />{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<br /><br /><br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-13283771238916791282011-11-03T07:06:00.000-07:002011-11-03T07:07:51.203-07:00Football Family ValuesPeriwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br /><br />*** <br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The Grim Reaper Center for Serious Farm Implements & Coffee Trough, with a loaded super-soaker on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Tex Adermy, from TX Township, came in and slipped into the seat across from him.<br /><br />“I didn’t count on someone from TX Township coming all the way over here to Memphjus,” muttered Randall. “They like all kinds of guns.”<br /><br />“Greetings from TX Township,” said Tex Adermy. “May the pigskin be with you.”<br /><br />“And also with you,” said Randall, automatically. “Oh, wait a minute. Did you say pigskin?”<br /><br />“You betcha, and I should say expletive deleted pigskin.”<br /><br />“Does that mean that TX Township high school football team is not doing very well?”<br /><br />“Worse than that. High school football is the reason for the existence of TX Township. Friday night lights, and all that. But we haven’t won a game in three years. All that’s about to change for next year, though.”<br /><br />“Did you hire a new coach?”<br /><br />“Better. We got a new pastor at our church, The First Apostolic Fundamentalist Bible Believing Full Gospel Family Values Community Spiritual Center of TX Township, or TFAFBBFGFVCSCOTT, for short.”<br /><br />“How will that change things? Will he pray for victory?”<br /><br />“Of course not. That’s bad theology, especially if the folks for the other team pray harder. And besides, he is a she.”<br /><br />“The TFAFBBFGFVCSCOTT hired a woman as pastor? I thought you didn’t believe in ordination for women.”<br /><br />“Youbetcha, we didn’t, until she came along.”<br /><br />“She must be pretty powerful to get TFAFBBFGFVCSCOTT to change on something like that.”<br /><br />“Youbetcha, and she’s not just a woman, she’s a lesbian, too.”<br /><br />“For heaven’s sake. I thought TFAFBBFGFVCSCOATT was totally opposed to gays and lesbians.”<br /><br />“Youbetcha, we were, until she came along.”<br /><br />“I can’t believe you hired a lesbian as pastor at TFAFBBFGFVCSCOTT.”<br /><br />“Youbetcha, it’s not just that. She’s black, too.”<br /><br />“I thought TFAFBBFGFVCSCOTT believed blacks were inferior and cursed, that children-of-Ham, thing.”<br /><br />“Youbetcha, we believed that, until we met her.”<br /><br />“What about her caused you to change your mind on all these hot button issues?”<br /><br />“She’s the foster mother to eleven big teen-aged boys who play football. Now in Texas Township, THAT’S family values.”<br /><br />***<br />A Golden Persimmon is awarded to Dick Reece and the Arcola, IL UMC, because the similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <br /><br />{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.} <br /><br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-80107248932627730822011-10-20T06:49:00.000-07:002011-10-20T06:51:46.933-07:00The Orange Barrel MysteryPeriwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br /><br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The Receding Hare Line Rabbit Recovery Center and Coffee Shop, with a photo of Justin Bieber shaking hands with Glen Beck on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Hugh Mongus, Periwinkle County’s cow-tipping champion, slipped into the booth across from him.<br /><br />“That’s a good photo, Rev. I didn’t even know they knew each other.”<br /><br />“They don’t, Hugh. It’s photo-shopped. Remember the old truism: the camera always lies. I haven’t seen you for a while.”<br /><br />“I’ve got a job.”<br /><br />“That’s pretty good in this economy.”<br /><br />“Well, it’s kind of because of the economy. I’m working for the OBSC.”<br /><br />“I don’t think I’m familiar with the OBSC.”<br /><br />“Maybe not our name, but I’m sure you know our work. OBSC is the Orange Barrel Storage Company. Not as much call for orange barrels at road construction sites, with no taxes to fix up the roads, so there’s lots of storage work to be done. That’s how I got the job.”<br /><br />“Where do you store those things, anyway?”<br /><br />“We don’t have a building or something like that. All the barrels were being used when there was money for roads, so OBSC didn’t need warehouses, so they sold all of the warehouses to the Koch Brothers to keep their politicians in. You ever noticed how there are so many roads where a lane is closed off with orange barrels but there’s no sign of any work being done on the road?”<br /><br />“Yes, those closed lanes are all over the county.”<br /><br />“Well, that’s because we’ve got no place else to store the barrels, so we just store them on the roads. We pick out a road that’s in bad enough shape people might think there’s a reason to close off a lane to work on it, and we just store our orange barrels there.”<br /><br />***<br />The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />You are always welcome to Forward or Repost or Reprint. It’s okay to acknowledge the source, unless it embarrasses you too much.<br /><br /> [“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://www.christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <br /><br />{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-24164930066974460322011-10-12T09:27:00.000-07:002011-10-12T09:28:42.847-07:00THE FALL FAIRPeriwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br /><br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce “retired” in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at the Stitch In Time Out-patient Surgery and Coffee Center, with a photo of Gaydolf Shitler, the head of the Libertarian Nazi Party on the table, to discourage anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, Hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Pastor Patty of The Methodist came in and dropped into the seat across from him. <br /><br /> “A woman isn’t afraid of Gaydolf and his ilk when she’s pastor of a church that does a Fall Fair,” she sighed. “We had tents all around the church building and on every street corner in town. It was a LOT of work. At least it’s over.”<br /><br />“The sign said it was a Fall Fare,” Randall remarked, “but you said Fall Fair.”<br /><br />“Were you even there?” asked Pastor Patty, eyeing him suspiciously.<br /><br />“Long enough to see the sign,” said Randall. <br /><br />“You were supposed to stay long enough to buy stuff. After all, all the proceeds go to missions.”<br /><br />“Hey, I bought. The prices were almost like being at Wrigley Field. I bought a $20 jar of salsa at the All Things Persimmon tent, and I ate a $10 ear of corn and told a joke at the All Things Corny tent. They made me contribute another $10 for that. And I stuffed ten bucks in the noise hole of the ukulele of Stormin Norman, the strolling Terrorist Troubadour.”<br /><br />“That’s called a sound hole, not a noise hole.”<br /><br />“Yeah, you could still hear it, even with the money in it.”<br /><br />“How come you didn’t stay around for the crowning of the Persimmon Queen?”<br /><br />“Well, after I got my salsa and corn, I was looking over the stuff in the Trashy Treasures tent with Professor Seymour Bottoms, and an old woman offered fifty cents for him, so I decided to get out before they did their end-of-the-day prices.”<br /> <br />***<br />Thanks to Jon Stewart for his appearance at the Fall Fair, and for contributing the name of the leader of the Libertarian Nazi Party, because the similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />You are always welcome to Forward or Repost or Reprint. It’s okay to acknowledge the source, unless it embarrasses you too much.<br /><br /> [“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://www.christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <br /><br />{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<br /><br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-68166285472072943872011-07-05T09:35:00.000-07:002011-07-05T09:36:29.047-07:00Cutting Up<br />Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br />***<br />Kate Bates went into town to get replacement glass for the door panel that Shingles, the dog, broke out as he tried to escape from Kate’s granddaughter, three-year-old Clara Wembley, as Clara sought to wreak revenge on Shingles for stealing her blankie on Christmas eve of 2009 by dressing him or her—no one is quite sure of Shingles’ gender—like Sara Palin. To keep Shingles relatively safe, Kate took Clara along with her.<br /><br />“I can cut that glass for you, Ms. Kate,” said Frank Innstein, “but I’ve got to go out back to do it, so you’ll have to watch the store.”<br /><br />“Well, okay,” said Kate. “I’ve always wanted to run a hardware store.”<br /><br />The telephone rang. Kate answered. “Frank Innstein’s Monster Hardware and Banquet Hall.” It was Ima Newsance, inquiring about renting the banquet hall. <br /><br />“Is it an affair or a shindig?” asked Kate. “I’m looking at the rate chart here beside the phone, and the rates for shindigs of various sorts are posted, but for ‘affairs’ it says, talk with Frank. Oh…okay, hold on. I’ll go out back and ask Frank.”<br /><br />“Clara, you stay right here,” she said as she left.<br /><br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The Lost Horizon Coffee Bar and Pilot School, with a Twitter he had received from Antony Weiner on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when his wife, Claire, came in and slipped into the booth across from him.<br /><br />“Randall, I think you’d better come,” said Claire.<br /><br />“What’s up?”<br /><br />“Well, I went to the hardware store, and Clara is behind the counter. She’s the only person in there. She’s having a clearance sale on For Sale signs, and all the boys in fifth grade are buying them. There are For Sale signs on every church and school building in town, and some on the backs of teachers, too.”<br /><br />“Well, that sounds like a good prank,” said The Rev. Dr. Nathan.<br /><br />Claire took a deep breath. “Clara also said that Frank and Kate are out in back cutting up and having an affair.”<br /><br />***<br />The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <br /><br />{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-28309004493712281252011-06-28T06:16:00.000-07:002011-06-28T06:19:42.467-07:00Pre-PlanningPeriwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br />***<br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The Surplus Surplice Unnecessary Clergy Clothing and Crying Towel Cafe with the 14 volume set of Karl Barth’s An Introduction to An Outline of A Sketch of Christian Doctrine on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Pastor Patty came in and slipped into the booth across from him.<br /><br />“I have a problem,” said Pastor Patty, who thinks of Randall as wiser than he is. “It’s the Thanatopsis Circle of MWL, Methodist Women & Ladies.”<br /><br />“The ones who do the funeral meals?”<br /><br />“The very ones. They have recently made some new rules for funeral meals. For instance, they’ve banned The Bereavement Casserole, the one with the tater tots.”<br /><br />“That sounds like a good thing,” said Randall.<br /><br />“Yes, it is, except that Alice Chalmers is afraid it might cut into her husband’s business. He sells potato pluckers, you know. But the big problem is that they’re trying to get everyone to pre-plan.”<br /><br />“Pre-planning funerals is a good thing,” said Randall. “Fay Talistic, the new undertaker at Dropem Brothers, will do a whole program for you on it.”<br /><br />“But it’s not pre-planning funerals that The Thantopsis Circle wants. They want everyone to pre-plan their funeral MEAL. Cora Dorr is mad at her husband because he wrote on her pre-plan form they should have mixed nuts at the table reserved for her family, and Kate Bates insists on desserts only, and no paper plates, which has Rusty Steele up in arms because he has that paper plates and rug cleaning supplies store, and Clara Voyance says they should know what she wants without her having to write anything down. It’s just a mess. Pre-planning doesn’t settle anything. It just gives people a longer time to argue about stuff.”<br /><br />“What are you going to do?” asked Randall. <br /><br />“It’s well known that you are against people getting together to plan anything. I think you should talk to them,” said Pastor Patty.<br /><br />A stream of Moose Drool shot out of Randall Nathan’s nose as he gagged and choked. <br /><br />“I’m pretty stupid when it comes to women,” said The Rev. Dr. Nathan, “but even I am smarter than that!”<br /><br />***<br />A Golden Persimmon goes today to Kathy Roberts, because the similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/] <br /><br />{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8023534103029394346.post-79386943198632440292011-06-16T14:57:00.000-07:002011-06-16T14:59:08.745-07:00Lesbians for Fathers Day<br />Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County: <br /><br />The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The Juan Valdez Coffee Shop and Donkey Exchange with a propeller beanie on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Beau Dacious, the oldest redneck sky-diver in Periwinkle County, and Dino Sauer, the oldest German-Italian in Periwinkle County, and Harvey Bristol-Kremo, the oldest English-Finn in Periwinkle County came in carrying a sign reading: LESBIANS FOR FATHERS DAY.<br /><br />“In case you don’t know,” said Randall, “you guys don’t qualify as lesbians. You’re not even thespians.”<br /><br />“We are now that we’ve found out that Gay Girl in Damascus blog is actually a forty-year-old American guy living in Scotland,” said Beau Dacious.<br /><br />“Yeah, and that Paula Brooks who runs the LezGetReal website? She’s really a fifty-two-year-old retired military guy in Ohio,” said Dino Sauer.<br /><br />“Apparently they flunked the psycho-social development stage of identity v. identity diffusion in their teen years,” said Dr. Nathan, in an attempt to get them to go away, psychobabble always being a good conversation squelcher. It didn’t work. It never does.<br /><br />“Hey, don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it,” said Harvey Bristol-Kermo. <br /><br />“Yeah, you need to explore your feminine side, Randy Preacher,” said Beau.<br /><br />“If you must call me Randy, please put the title first,” said the Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan. “And just where would I explore my feminine side in a place like Periwinkle County?”<br /><br />“Well, you could go to our website,” said Dino.<br /><br />“Yeah,” said Harvey. “We’re Flopsie, Mopsie, and Cottontail, the three lesbian Jewish bunnies of the Playgoy web site.”<br /><br />***<br /><br />The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.<br /><br />[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/ or at http://christinwinter.wordpress.com/, according to which one is working that day.] <br /><br />{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />John Robert McFarlandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00365944834370009432noreply@blogger.com0