Shingles Applies for a Job

“Clara, back on August 24, you said that Shingles wouldn’t get a job even though there were plenty of jobs available for dogs. But I haven’t seen him around for a while. Did he get a job?”

Jake Newland was sitting on his front porch, splitting a Dreamsicle with three-year-old Clara Wembley, who still has not forgiven Shingles the Dog for stealing her blankie on Christmas eve.

“No, he didn’t get a job. You haven’t seen him because he’s in rehab at the Michelle Bachman Clinic. Cycle problems.”

“Did he have a bicycle accident?”

“No. You know, cycle, like cyclelogical. He flunked the cyclelogical test when he applied for a job at BP.”

“He applied for a job at BP?”

“You need to get your hearing aid batteries replaced, Mr. Jake. Yes. My older brother, Marp, can write, so he wrote a letter to BP and signed Shingles’ name, but I told him what to write. Said Shingles was an oil hound and could clean up oil.”

“That’s not exactly true, Clara.”

“Hey, we’re talking about BP here. Worked great at first. BP did a lot of TV advertising about how they’ve got this new method for cleaning up oil so they don’t have to pay penalties now. Didn’t you see all this on TV?”

“Well, Jennie doesn’t let me watch TV since I sent Glen Beck a gift certificate for a burial plot,” said Jake, the retired undertaker.

Clara said: “That Congress guy from Texas, Joe Barton, said that dog owners should apologize to BP for not sending their dogs earlier. He said dog owners are selfish and spoiled and just want their dogs for themselves when they could be giving them to BP to they could get bigger profits because then there could be enough bonuses to hire more illegal aliens as house slaves and stimulate the economy. But then it all went south when Shingles flunked the cyclelogical exam. He wasn’t conservative enough.”

“The psychological exam for dogs shows if they are conservative or liberal?”

“Well, it surprised me, too. But conservative dogs are exempt from having to get jobs because they are trained to stay home and bark and drown out the president when he’s on TV.”

“When will Shingles be back?” asked Jake.

“I suspect never. Michelle Bachman came to visit and he bit her. Then he bit three nurses.”

“Why would he bite three nurses?”

“Just had to get the taste out of his mouth, I guess.”