Football Family Values

Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County:

***
The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The Grim Reaper Center for Serious Farm Implements & Coffee Trough, with a loaded super-soaker on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Tex Adermy, from TX Township, came in and slipped into the seat across from him.

“I didn’t count on someone from TX Township coming all the way over here to Memphjus,” muttered Randall. “They like all kinds of guns.”

“Greetings from TX Township,” said Tex Adermy. “May the pigskin be with you.”

“And also with you,” said Randall, automatically. “Oh, wait a minute. Did you say pigskin?”

“You betcha, and I should say expletive deleted pigskin.”

“Does that mean that TX Township high school football team is not doing very well?”

“Worse than that. High school football is the reason for the existence of TX Township. Friday night lights, and all that. But we haven’t won a game in three years. All that’s about to change for next year, though.”

“Did you hire a new coach?”

“Better. We got a new pastor at our church, The First Apostolic Fundamentalist Bible Believing Full Gospel Family Values Community Spiritual Center of TX Township, or TFAFBBFGFVCSCOTT, for short.”

“How will that change things? Will he pray for victory?”

“Of course not. That’s bad theology, especially if the folks for the other team pray harder. And besides, he is a she.”

“The TFAFBBFGFVCSCOTT hired a woman as pastor? I thought you didn’t believe in ordination for women.”

“Youbetcha, we didn’t, until she came along.”

“She must be pretty powerful to get TFAFBBFGFVCSCOTT to change on something like that.”

“Youbetcha, and she’s not just a woman, she’s a lesbian, too.”

“For heaven’s sake. I thought TFAFBBFGFVCSCOATT was totally opposed to gays and lesbians.”

“Youbetcha, we were, until she came along.”

“I can’t believe you hired a lesbian as pastor at TFAFBBFGFVCSCOTT.”

“Youbetcha, it’s not just that. She’s black, too.”

“I thought TFAFBBFGFVCSCOTT believed blacks were inferior and cursed, that children-of-Ham, thing.”

“Youbetcha, we believed that, until we met her.”

“What about her caused you to change your mind on all these hot button issues?”

“She’s the foster mother to eleven big teen-aged boys who play football. Now in Texas Township, THAT’S family values.”

***
A Golden Persimmon is awarded to Dick Reece and the Arcola, IL UMC, because the similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.

[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/]

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