A Song Too Far

Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County:

The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce "retired" in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at "The Cupid’s Bottomless Cup Coffee Shop and Romance Remainders Outlet" with a CD of "Newt’s Favorite Love Songs" on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Roy A. Kuff, the country singing legend, came in and slipped into the booth across from him.

“I thought you were dead,” Randall Nathan said.

“No, I know I’m not. I looked me up on that ‘Who’s Dead and Who’s Not’ site on the Google. And since I ain’t dead, I’m gonna ask Miss Maserati Oxford, the famous game show guest, to marry me.”

“That sounds like a proper Valentine’s Day thing to do, but isn’t she too young for you? After all, you must be pretty old by now.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m along about 90 or thereabouts, according to the Google. She’s only 78. It’s a November-December romance. But those can work. Look at Newt and his next intern. I even wrote a song especially for Miss Maserati Oxford for Valentine’s Day.”

He tuned up his air guitar and began to sing.

“If you was a cockroach, I wouldn’t stomp on you. I’d let you eat my garbage until your face was blue, and that’s how much I’m loving you, hoo hoo hoooo.”

He yodeled on the last line. A pig got up and slowly walked away. Roy A. Kuff did not notice.

“If you was a hornet, I’d let you sting my nose. When it got real big and sneezy I’d give it to you like a rose, and that’s how much I’m loving you, de doodle doodle hoooo.”

Shingles the dog began to howl. Three-year-old Clara Wembley put her hands over his ears, which surprised everyone, since Clara still has not forgiven Shingles for stealing her blankie on Christmas eve of 2009 and thus her usual approach to Shingles’ troubles is schadenfreude. Roy A. Kuff did not notice.

“If you was a hooker I’d let you tow my truck, and when we got to the junkyard …”

At that point The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan accidentally spilled his cup of Moose Drool Supreme right onto the strings of Roy A. Kuff’s air guitar. As he told Claire about it later, he said, “Even on Valentine’s Day, sometimes you just have to take a stand against romance.”

***
The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.

[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years,” can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/]

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