The Worship # Pew

Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County:

THE WORSHIP # CHURCH

The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at Starclucks Coffee Shop & Chicken Hatchery ©, with a feather war bonnet, a tomahawk, and a toupee on the table, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year ® competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Pastor Chip came in and slipped into the booth across from him.

“Where’s your smart phone?” asked Randall. “How will you call on your members if you can’t click Like on their Facebook pages?” [Pastor Chip’s virtual church appeared in the Jan. 30 post at http://periwinklechronicles.blogspot.com/]

“Oh, we’re well beyond the virtual church concept,” said Pastor Chip. “That is so yesterday.”

“Does that mean it didn’t go well?”

“Well, yes, that, too, but I got a chance to buy the local franchise for the Worship # Pew ™, and you can’t pass up a chance like that.”

“That must have cost a lot of money.”

“Yes, but I got it by selling the naming rights. We’re officially the Butt Light Weight Loss Plan Worship # Church.” ™

“Is the Worship # Pew  like the Sleep Number Bed? ©”

“Exactly. You just turn the dial to your Personal Awesome Worship Number, or PAWN ©. You can just sit in your pew and dial up on the screen the particular sort of worship you want. Everybody looks at the same screen, but they see only their particular worship service.”

“Isn’t that the same thing as sitting home and watching the kind of worship you like on TV?” asked Randall.

“No, because being part of a worship # pew church creates community ® since we’re all in the same place, even though we’re seeing different worship. Everybody is satisfied without being challenged. People come to church for comfort, not challenge. This way commie libs and intolerant fundies get to worship together without ever having the same experience. Nobody likes that, either. The Worship # Pew motto is Cheap Grace is Expensive ©.”

Randall picked up the tomahawk and wondered where the Apaches were when you really needed them.

“You ought to come and give the worship # pew worship a chance, Dr. Nathan,” said Pastor Chip. “I’ll bet we’ve got your #.”

“Do you have 3.14?” asked The Rev. Dr. Nathan. “I think the only way I can swallow expensive cheap grace is if I have pi with it.”

***
The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.

[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/]

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