Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the
citizens of Periwinkle [because
all the other colors were already taken]
County:
DOWN
IN THE [silicon] VALLEY
The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at Starplucks Coffee Shop and Naked Chicken Emporium with a rattlesnake named Lefty on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Bronc Ryder, the cowboy poet, came in and slipped into the booth across from him.
“Excrement, no,” said Bronc Ryder. “Me and Lefty go back a long ways. You sung Down in the Valley lately, Randy preacher?”
“I’d prefer Preacher Randy if you must combine my title with my first name, and no, I have not sung Down in the Valley recently. It’s not in the hymnal at The Methodist.”
“That’s because everbody’s got one of them infernal dish-washing machines anymore. Down in the Valley’s a song you learn when you’re doing the dishes with your sister. Not a single child has learned that song since them dish machines was invented, nor talked to their sister, neither. But I’ve got a remedy.”
He put his Jon Kay mouth bow up to the corner of his face and began to pluck its single string as he sang:
“In silicon valley, valley so sweet, power up your iPad, see every Tweet. See every tweet, dear, see every tweet. Shouldn’t you be hearing instead of seeing a tweet?”
Silas Beria, the dishwasher, came out from the kitchen to listen. Bronc Ryder continued to pluck and sing.
“If you don’t love me, throw my name to the wind, but please forever be my two hundred thirteenth Facebook friend. My two-thirteen friend, dear, my two-thirteen friend, please be forever my true Facebook friend.”
Lefty began to rattle, but Bronc kept singing.
“Rose loves a Kindle, Violet loves Nook, everbody on YouTube knows you got so drunk you shook. Knows you got drunk, dear, so drunk you you shook. Everbody on YouTube knows you got by your lover forsook.”
“While the facts of your version are probably accurate,” said the old preacher, “that’s a rather tortured rhyme.”
Bronc paid him no mind but did put in a yodel before he continued. “Yodel-lay-hee-hoo, cows in FarmVille moo.”
“Build me a firewall, keep Nigerian princes out, if you’re ever on Skype, dear, then give me a shout.” Si Beria and Abby Rhode, the waitress, apparently liked to Skype, for they sang along on the chorus. “Meet me on Skype, dear, meet me on Skype, meet me on Skype so I won’t have to type.”
“Text me a message, use your opposable thumbs, then buy me a gross of Rollaids and Tums.”
By this time even Professor Ben “Seymour” Butts was singing along.
“Rollaids and Tums, dear, Rollaids and Tums, buy me a gross of Rollaids and Tums.”
“Google her picture, Google her name. They’ll put up your image in the FBI hall of fame.”
Four-year-old Clara Wembley was riding by on Shingles, the dog, wearing spurs since she still has not forgiven him for stealing her blankie on Christmas eve of 2009. She suspects there is an informant in her pre-school, so when she heard the FBI mentioned, she rode in under the swinging doors. To be inconspicuous she sang along on the chorus.
“FBI hall of fame, dear, FBI hall of fame, they’ll put up your image in the FBI hall of fame.”
“Mail me a message, by old-fashioned email. Send it in care of the Palo Alto jail.”
Even The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), joined in on the chorus.
“The Palo Alto jail, dear, the Palo Alto jail, send it in care of the Palo Alto jail.”
“Hey, Lefty just bit himself,” exclaimed Bronc Ryder.
“I’m afraid,” sighed the preacher, “that he felt suicide was the only option.”
***
A golden persimmon is awarded to Jon Kay [www.traditionalartsindiana.org], and to Mary Virginia Lindquist, dishwashing sister singer, because the similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.
[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/]
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