Ask a Curmudgeon

Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County:

 The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The Daily Waffle Pancake and Political Positions Center with 8 &1/2 sets of used false teeth on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, as an homage to Federico Fellini’s film, 8 ½, because Claire hates 8 ½ so much that whenever she wants to go out in the evening, all he has to do is suggest they go to the Snider Art Cineplex, where 8 ½ is always showing, which causes her to suggest that they stay home and eat Wilbur Bluenfronter fair-trade popcorn and watch Big Bang Theory reruns instead, the false teeth having been borrowed from Pastor Patty, who is collecting them for a dental mission trip to England, which happens to correspond with the dates of the London Olympics, where she hopes to see the slow boat turning competition on the Thames, when Ray D’Eaux, the host of Ask a Curmudgeon on Radio Free Periwinkle came in and slipped into the booth across from him.
 
“Apparently radio hosts are not deterred by used false teeth,” mused Dr. Nathan.
 
“Nether world, no,” said Ray D’Eaux. “We’re used to the chattering classes.”
 
He placed a glowing red light on the table and announced, “We’re on the air. Our first question today: If a curmudgeon meets an old woman on the path while walking, what is the minimal acceptable number of syllables in greeting? What say you, Dr. Nathan?”
 
“Two,” said Randall.
 
“I thought you’d say one syllable, Rev. Can’t you just say ho? That’s a distance word, like Onward, ho.”
 
“It is not wise to say Onward, ho, to an old woman as she walks,” observed the (Retard) preacher.
 
“This seems to be an important topic for curmudgeons and other social malcontents,” said Ray D’Eaux, “because there’s a follow-up question: In meeting said old woman on the path, how many lines of banal conversation about the weather are acceptable before going back to glowering? And should there be an even number of moronically obvious observations, or does the person who initiated the exchange get the last banality?”
 
“A curmudgeon never initiates conversation,” observed Randall, “but if said old woman initiates conversation with Hot, isn’t it? it is acceptable to counter with But we need rain. If she says, They need it more in Colorado, you may say So true. By that time you should be far enough past her that you can pretend you are hard of hearing and simply ignore But it’s a great day, anyway, because… “
 
“I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today,” said Ray D’Eaux, turning off the red light. “I’m sure curmudgeons throughout Periwinkle Nation were helped by your keen observations, Rev. Nathan.”
 
“I know one who was,” thought Randall. “I really liked those answers, since I was the one who sent in those questions.”
 
***
The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.
 
[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/]
 
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