Whither Goest Thou?

Bronc “Three Finger” Ryder, the famous Cowboy Poet, and the Poet Lariat of Periwinkle County, was performing last night at the “Cues & Clues Pool Hall and Detective Agency” saloon. Professor Ben “Seymour” Bottoms played backup kazoo for Bronc’s distinctive styling on the “kitty litter guitar,” the smaller version of the “dog house bass.” After everyone had gotten settled so that saloon-keeper Lefty Muldoom, who was a lion tamer in Lost Wages, NV before retiring to East Overshoe, in the western sunflower and persimmon country of Periwinkle County, could turn off the smoothie machine, Bronc didn’t worry about tuning or key, he just started singing.

First he did “Black, black is the color of my love’s true hair,” not exactly the way John Jacob Niles sang it, then “Which side are you on,” about a drunk cowboy who is trying to find the stirrup so he can get on his horse, then “Goodnight, Ilean,” about a one-legged cowgirl. Then he arrived at his “piece de resistance,” about a piece of pie that kept sliding off the plate, followed by his most famous hit, “You Wiped a Booger on the White Sleeve of My Heart”:

You wiped a booger on the white sleeve of my heart
You stuck a wrench in my transmission which subsequently came apart
You fed me lots of broccoli that made me want to…
start… singing one for the money, two for the show
Three to get ready and four to go…
To Walmart… let’s go to Walmart…

He was going to lurch into the second verse, but Lucinda Metzenboggle rose up, like a warm breeze on a hot night, from a table in the dark corner below the “Griesedieck Brothers Beer” sign. She walked forward, cradling her pink ukulele like a babe in swaddling clothes, and took up the tune…

You wiped a booger on the bare arm of my soul
You promised me a stallion but I only got a foal
You said we’d climb a mountain but we fell into a…
hole, singing one for the money, two for the show
Three to get ready and four to go…
To Walmart… let’s go to Walmart…

Ben “Seymour” Bottoms saw a stare go between the eyes of Bronc and Lucinda, like a laser beam so strong you could walk on it. Bronc stuck his guitar out and let it go. Seymour grabbed it just before it fell to earth. Lucinda did the same with her pink ukulele, which Claire Nathan grabbed, even though it clashed with her orange and black Halloween sweater, featuring representations of a Delaware senatorial candidate. Lucinda Metzenboggle turned on the heel of her pink rhinestone cowgirl boot and marched to the swinging doors like a honkey tonk goddess. Bronc Ryder followed her like a man who walks the line.

“I wonder where they’re going” mused the Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard).