Pre-Planning

Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County:
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The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The Surplus Surplice Unnecessary Clergy Clothing and Crying Towel Cafe with the 14 volume set of Karl Barth’s An Introduction to An Outline of A Sketch of Christian Doctrine on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Pastor Patty came in and slipped into the booth across from him.

“I have a problem,” said Pastor Patty, who thinks of Randall as wiser than he is. “It’s the Thanatopsis Circle of MWL, Methodist Women & Ladies.”

“The ones who do the funeral meals?”

“The very ones. They have recently made some new rules for funeral meals. For instance, they’ve banned The Bereavement Casserole, the one with the tater tots.”

“That sounds like a good thing,” said Randall.

“Yes, it is, except that Alice Chalmers is afraid it might cut into her husband’s business. He sells potato pluckers, you know. But the big problem is that they’re trying to get everyone to pre-plan.”

“Pre-planning funerals is a good thing,” said Randall. “Fay Talistic, the new undertaker at Dropem Brothers, will do a whole program for you on it.”

“But it’s not pre-planning funerals that The Thantopsis Circle wants. They want everyone to pre-plan their funeral MEAL. Cora Dorr is mad at her husband because he wrote on her pre-plan form they should have mixed nuts at the table reserved for her family, and Kate Bates insists on desserts only, and no paper plates, which has Rusty Steele up in arms because he has that paper plates and rug cleaning supplies store, and Clara Voyance says they should know what she wants without her having to write anything down. It’s just a mess. Pre-planning doesn’t settle anything. It just gives people a longer time to argue about stuff.”

“What are you going to do?” asked Randall.

“It’s well known that you are against people getting together to plan anything. I think you should talk to them,” said Pastor Patty.

A stream of Moose Drool shot out of Randall Nathan’s nose as he gagged and choked.

“I’m pretty stupid when it comes to women,” said The Rev. Dr. Nathan, “but even I am smarter than that!”

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A Golden Persimmon goes today to Kathy Roberts, because the similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.

[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/]

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