The Frozen Chosen Race

Periwinkle Chronicles, Tales of the Citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County:

The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at Instalube Coffee Shop & Car Spa, with a copy of The Hundred Best Persimmon Pork Rind Recipes on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when Hyman Perbole, the rabbi of the synagogue of Memphjus, the seat of Periwinkle County, came in and slipped into the booth across from him.

“Oy,” said Hy Perbole. “I feel just like Joshua after he fit the battle of Geritol.”

“I thought that was Jericho where he… uh, fit,” said Randall.

“Oy, vey,” said Hy. “After a battle like that, he needed Geritol, just like me.”

“You’ve had a battle?”

“The worst type of battle, even worse than the synagogue finance committee. It was the Frozen Chosen Race, and it was your nephew, Daniel, who did us in.”

“Oh, yes, I recall that St. John the Catholic Baptist Church challenged the synagogue to a race around Frozen Lake to see who would be the chosen people for the coming year. Daniel said something about running in the race. But I thought he was on your team.”

“Oy, so did we. We didn’t have twelve runners, to represent the twelve tribes of Israel, to counter St. John the Catholic Baptist’s twelve disciples of you know who, but we needed only eleven, because we had to keep one spot open for Elijah in case he showed up to run, but we still had only ten, but your Daniel had a yarmulke from when he sang Sunrise, Sunset at a wedding, which sort of makes him an honorary, and he said he would run for us, representing the tribe of Dan, of course, and we believed him.”

“Didn’t he show up to run?” asked Randall.

“Oy, vey, did he ever run. 40 times around the lake we ran.”

“Oh, to represent the 40 days Israel wandered in the wilderness? Or the 40 days Noah was on the arc?”

“No, we’re American, God bless us. The 40 times around the Frozen Lake represented the 40 days Joseph “The Brigand” Olds wandered in the town of Hope’s Promise looking for a Taco Bell. That’s in the Book of Norman. And your nephew, Daniel, ran so fast that he won the race for us, even though the rest of us ran so slow that we finished in places 14 through 25, counting Elijah, who was dead last. The St. John the Catholic Baptists finished 2 through 13. We’re the damned by God chosen people again for another year, and who wants to be the chosen people? You know what that means—chosen for more suffering. And it’s all your nephew’s fault.”

“Maybe he didn’t understand that he was supposed to run slowly so you could avoid being the chosen people again,” said Randall.

“Oy, vey, it wasn’t really his fault,” said Rabbi Hy Perbole. “We didn’t know his parents were African missionaries and he was raised in Kenya. You know how those people run. Well, at least it should be a help if he runs for president.”

***
The similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.

[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/]