FUNDRAISERS & OTHER NATURAL DISASTERS

Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County:

 

[Blogspot has begun to double underline random words in my blogs. When you click on them, you get advertisements. I did not ask for this, I do not approve of it, and I have nothing to do with it.]

 

The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at The Good to the Last Plop Coffee Shop and Fertilizer Emporium, with a pair of free tickets for a Carnival cruise to the Gulf of Mexico on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, when May Bassket, the Director of Fund Raising for the Periwinkle Media System, slipped into the booth across from him.

 
“Apparently May Bassket is not deterred by the thought of a Carnival cruise,” observed Dr. Nathan.
 
“Netherworld, no,” said May. “Even a crap-in-a-bag cruise would have gotten us more money from Fund Raiser Karl than…”
 
“Fund Raiser Karl?” Pastor Nathan broke in.
 
“Yes. We’ve decided to name our public broadcasting fundraising weeks the way they do other natural disasters, like hurricanes and winter storms. We name them after famous fund raisers, like FR Melissa. That Melissa Gates got a billion not only out of her husband but off of Warren Buffett, too. Now that’s fund-raising!”
 
“I would think that FR Melissa would be very successful.”
 
“Well, we haven’t named one for Melissa yet. The first one was FR Bernie. Bernie Madoff was a great fundraiser, but there seem to be negative connotations about his name. Then FR George W. didn’t go very well, because it turned out that he didn’t actually raise funds, he just borrowed from the Chinese and said it wasn’t part of the budget. When we tried to borrow from the Chinese they told us to go to Tiananmen Square and wait.”
 
“Maybe you need some of those catchy gifts to give folks who donate,” suggested The Rev. Dr. Nathan.
 
“I thought we had a real winner with our Periwinkle Media System tote bags, but no one seemed to want to carry a bag that said PMS on the side. Now we’ve developed a video game that combines the best elements of NASCAR, bowling, and whack-a-mole. We’ll give DVDs of it.”
 
“What’s it called, CrashBoomBang?”
 
“Hey, how did you know that?”
 
“Sixth sense,” said Randall. “I’ve got ESP…N. But wasn’t there a band by that name?”
 
“Yeah,” said May Bassket, “ but they’re too stoned to know we’re using their name.”
 
“Well,” said Randall, “speaking of names, at least you have a nice name for this time of year, when we’re ready for spring.”
 
“Yes, my mother said they wanted to give me a short name like May, so that in case I turned out stupid, I could at least spell my own name.”
 
“Your mother must have been clairvoyant,” said Dr. Nathan.
 
“Why, yes, my mother’s name was Clair. But how did you know my maiden name was Voyant?”
 
 ***
A Golden Persimmon is awarded posthumously to Georgia Karr, who gave her daughters short names for the above mentioned reason, because the similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.
 
[“Christ in Winter,” Reflections On Faith For People In The Winter Of Their Years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/]
 
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