What Not to Say

Three-year-old Clara Wembley heard Jenny Newland talking about Jake's new TV, so she reported to her nana, Kate Bates, that Jake had a new "big-ass TV" so that he could watch "What Not to Wear" because "the old fool's hot for Stacy." Kate hardly knew where to begin.

She started by explaining to Clara that she should call it "a big-bottom TV," since Jake felt he needed a 60 inch TV because he had watched the opening of the baseball season with Clara's grandpa, "Big Daddy," [to distinguish him from her regular daddy], and Kate's husband, Ben "Seymour" Bottoms, and was impressed that the picture was so clear that he could see the hairs in Waste 'Em Wally Wagler's nose, so Jenny just meant to call is "a big-Bottoms" TV, since the idea had come from the Bottoms house.

Then Clara asked why anyone would want to see nose hairs and got Kate sidetracked.

Clara went over to the Newland's house to watch Animal Planet with Jake and Franklin and Eleanor, the Newland's potbellied pigs. F&E especially enjoy "Animal Heroes of World War II." It's actually "Puppy Bowl," but Jake tells F&E it's about World War II to get them to watch.

When "Puppy Bowl" was over, Jake said, "Clara, go see where Jenny is." Clara reported back that Jenny was in the back yard.

"Good," said Jake. "I'll teach you to use the clicker. The key is speed. Just before the other person who's watching can figure out what the show is, you have to click to the next channel..."

So went the tutorial, until they came across a rerun of "What Not to Wear."

"Now we watch," said Jake. "Because you're hot for Stacy?" asked Clara. "You've got it," said Jake. "I could really have used her when I was an undertaker. Men don't have any sense when it comes to dressing a dead woman, and doing her makeup and hair. Stacy understands about volumizing. Stacy could have been a great undertaker, but she settled for doing a TV show. It's so sad."

Now Kate is trying to understand why Clara is dressing Shingles, the dog, whom she still has not forgiven for stealing her blankie on Christmas eve, and saying "This is the way Stacy would volumize you for..."