I Won't Cry...

It has been one year today since Anika Hjelmstrom died.

Arne is sitting in their living room with a cup of fair-trade coffee.

He buys the coffee at The Covenant Church, which he still calls Swedish Covenant. He hasn't gone to worship in the church since Anika died, for she was the organist for 37 years, and the organ just does not sound right now. He goes to coffee fellowship time after worship, though, to buy coffee beans, and to give little kids a ride on the electric escalator chair that is normally used to run puny and feeble members up and down the staircase from the basement to the sanctuary. Everybody else tells the kids to stay off of that chair.

Now, in his living room, he is trying to get up the courage to open the door to their back deck.

Every morning of her illness, Anika would go to that door and say, "I won't cry!"

But then she would open the door and step out onto the deck. There before her would be the gold and red leaves of autumn, or the snowcovered hemlocks of winter, or the happy dogwood of spring, or the bright xenias of summer. There she could see children and grandchildren on the swing set, or in the tree house, or building a "toman," or mourning at the funeral for a goldfish, or hunting for Easter eggs. She could see the church youth group roasting marshmallows and singing "Do Lord." She could see the whole family gathered to celebrate the 88th birthday of her father, sitting in the shade and drinking iced tea and turning the crank on the ice cream maker.

Each morning of her weakening weeks, she would shuffle to the door and stand there for a moment and then say, "I won't cry." But each morning when she stepped out onto the deck, she cried.

"I don't cry because I'm sad," she said. "I cry because it's all so beautiful."

Arne laughed at her about it. "You always say you won't cry," he teased, "but you always cry."

Now Arne tells himself that the living room is good enough. There are nice views out that big bay window. But he takes has cup, and he goes to the back door. He says, "I won't cry." He steps out onto deck, and he cries.