Wally's Debut

There are a lot of Butler fans in Periwinkle County, and they would feel more bereft than they do, except that this was Opening Day for one of their own, Wally Wagler.

[The posts of Feb 24, "Wally Prepares for Spring Training," and March 8, "Winter & Summer Sports." and March 9, "Wally Gets a Nickname." and March 12, "Red and Yellow, Black and White," give background for what follows.]

Wally is a life-long Reds fan, but he went to the Baltimore Orioles spring training fantasy camp because it was held in Florida, where spring training ought to be, instead of Arizona, to which the Reds absconded this year. Ths Orioles trained this year in Sarasota, in the former site of the Reds, so it was almost as good. Wally was way past the upper age limit for the camp, but his granddaughter dyed his beard and hair pink, so he got in. Then there was that beanball incident with Warden Lucky, the wild young lefthander from Kansas, and Wally's brainwaves were addled. He knew exactly where each pitch would cross the plate from the time it left the pitcher's hand. He just closed his eyes and swung hard and the balls went over the fence, so far that even speedy center-fielder "Goopy" Williams could not retrieve them. Fantasy camp manager Earl Weaver complained that Wally was wasting all their baseballs, and so the legend of "Waste 'Em Wally" was born.

Today was the home opener for the Orioles, in Camden Yards, and it was the debut of the oldest man ever to play in the majors. There was just one problem...

It is a great marketing tool for the Orioles, the oldest player ever, with a pink beard and hair, who hits every ball over the fence... but Wally can't run after he hits the ball.

It is a good thing that Wally had to go to fantasy camp with an American League team, for the AL uses the designated hitter, a position designed for old guys who hit the ball hard but can't run. You don't play a position in the field; you just bat every ninth time around. But you do have to run after you've hit the ball.

Wally can do "the old dude shuffle," which is a hit on the dance floor at The Blau Haar Home for Dessert Years Living, and good enough if you've hit the ball out of the park, but what if he hits a line-drive into the gap? These are major league pitchers he'll be facing now, not just Orioles pitchers, and major league outfielders. They could throw Wally out at first base if the ball is anywhere in the park.

So they waited to put Wally into the game, until the ninth inning, with the score tied, and they could wait no longer...