Royal Wedding Invitation Names

Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County:
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The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), which is how they pronounce retired in Periwinkle County, or at least that’s what they tell him, was in his usual booth at the Royal Wedding Headquarters & Newspaper Resurrection Center, which provides three-day old newspapers for the waiting rooms of doctors and other professionals too poor to have current subscriptions, with a faux-silver pot of Earl Persimmon Tea on the table in front of him, to keep anyone from sitting with him, lest he lose points in the Hermudgeon of the Year competition, hermudgeon being a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon, and nobody at RWH&MRC would be caught drinking commoner tea on the day of a royal wedding, although his wife Claire, and her friend, Kate Bates, and Kate’s husband, Prof. Ben “Seymour” Bottoms, and Kate’s granddaughter, three-year-old Clara Wembley, were wedged into the booth with him anyway, the place being packed like a mal, as they call a mall in England, when Lady Henrietta Fuzzybottom Ruralroute-One stood to announce the commencement of the Royal Wedding Invitation Name Game.

Lady Henrietta Fuzzybottom Ruralroute-One is normally Edith Whistle, but for the invitation card for the royal wedding it is necessary to have an aristocratic name, which is obtained by using the name of one of your grandparents, the name of your first pet, and the name of the place in which you grew up.

Claire was pleased to be Lady Lara Shep Monon-Tracks. Kate announced herself as Lady Hortense Blammer St. John-Swamp. Seymour declared himself Lord Yates Old Blue Delta-Silt. Randall reluctantly admitted he was Lord Marvin Pisser Seedtick.

Clara Wembley refused to play, not because she would not like to use the name of her nana, Kate, as her royal first name, or because she objected to a last name of Bloody Gulch, which she actually rather enjoys when she tells the new teachers at the Wind in the Diapers pre-school, but because she refused to have as any part of her identity the nefarious Shingles, the dog, who remains un-forgiven for stealing her blankie on Christmas eve of 2009.

Nonetheless, the game was going quite well until the door opened and a wild-eyed Irish-looking man stepped in.

“Oh, good grief,” muttered Lady Henrietta Fuzzybottom Ruralroute-One. “Who told Reggie Cide about this?”

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A Golden Persimmon is awarded today to Bishop Woodie W. White for contributing his dog’s real name to be used as part of Randall Nathan’s royal wedding name, since the similarity between the activities in Periwinkle County and events in other places is rarely coincidental.

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