Jed Bozos New Invention-Virtual Love

Jed Bozos sits in the garage of his parents' home along the Lapis Azuli River, which is more of a stream, outside the village of Winkleblue. After the rejection by Susie Mays, and his subsequent dropping out of Cratchit State U, he has put in his 10 thousand hours in that garage. He is ready. All that remains is the test on a real person...

Jed has invented, or possibly discovered, he's not quite sure which, virtual love. No one will need the real thing anymore. In fact, what used to be called the real thing will go the way of Cupid himself. The real thing now will be Grindle, the name of his new invention. He has named it for his lawyer's dog, Grindle, who has been known to love as many as two dozen legs on the same day.

Grindle is about the size of a 4X6 notebook. A woman can keep it in her purse, a man in his pocket. Whenever they feel a need for love, they just open up their Grindle, scroll down to the kind of love they want, and look at that specific wave pattern on the screen. Every form of love ever known is on the Grindle. It's just a matter of putting the ions and free radicals together in the proper pattern and letting their pattern sink into your brain. Those old chaotic forms of love, that require another person, will now be obsolete.

But the test... Ah, of course, the Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), the well-known hermudgeon [a combination of hermit and curmudgeon]. He eschews human contact so completely that he even writes a blog called The Complete Hermudgeon: One Man's Valiant Attempt to Avoid People Altogether. Of course, he never posts anything in it, because that would defeat the purpose. The perfect test subject for the Grindle...