The Curse of Ordained Beauty

Pastor Patty has a problem. She needs to look pretty, but not prettier than any of the other women in her church. She needs to look fashionable, but not like she spends any money or time on clothes. She needs to look attractive, but not attractive enough that any of the men of the church will be attracted to her. She needs to look sexy, but not... well, forget that. She should NOT look sexy, except to her husband, who should be there only to help care for the children they get through adoption.

She thought she was doing the right thing, walking carefully the tight rope of the middle way, looking good enough that nobody would be embarrassed if they introduced a Presbyterian or Catholic friend to her, but not so good they would be afraid to introduce a husband or boyfriend or lesbian to her. Secretly, though, late at night, after the children were in bed and her husband had conked out in his narcolounger, she gently pried the remote control out of his fingers and switched from ESPN [known as the Eastern Seaboard Private Network in the summer because then it shows only Yankees and Red Sox games] to watch Clinton and Stacy on "What Not to Wear."

She has been sensitive about her looks ever since her last baby was born. It's not just that she gained some weight, but with three children, and a husband, and a church, and working on becoming a Fellow of The Academy of Parish Clergy, and writing books, she just doesn't have any time for hair and makeup and wardrobe.

Then someone emailed to her anonymously [anonymous@hooya.com] beautytipsforministers.com, [BTFMC]. She suspects that it was Denise DeLaum, who herself has been barred from every salon in Periwinkle County for criticizing the hair and makeup of all the other patrons, after their appointments, yet. She knows she should not even consider the opinions of someone like Denise, but to a minister, one tangential criticism equals a hundred whole-hearted words of praise. [Or even tangenital, which was the first spelling that came up, and gives whole new meaning to What Not to Wear.]

Her husband assured her that she did not need to look at BTFMC, which Pastor Patty appreciated. She knew, however, that he was smart enough to say that, regardless, so she dismissed his opinion. After all, he's just a husband.

Besides, why should a minister need beauty tips? Shouldn't a minister look like a minister, frumpy and harried? Only Unitarians and nuns are vain enough to worry about their looks.

So she consulted her old seminary friend, Harry Shurtz, who is an expert on church and beer web sites, who said she looked okay to him, and that BTFMC was an okay site, but Harry's main claim to fame is getting into a bar fight every St. Periwinkle's Day while trying to break up a fracas between the Jews for Jesus and Gentiles for Moses biker gangs, so she didn't pay much attention to him, either.

Finally she consulted an expert, Randall Nathan, who was a preacher for forty years, and famous for not needing beauty tips. Whether because he already looked too good, or because there was no hope, is still open for debate.

"Well, Patricia, the way I did it..."

"No, no, not you. I want to know how Claire did it. I know she was a minister's wife instead of a minister, but the rules are still the same: look fashionable without spending any time or money, be pretty but not prettier than anybody else, be attractive but don't attract anybody. But she flaunts all the rules. She's prettier than anybody else, but everybody thinks that's great. She's fashionable, but nobody thinks that's a bad thing. She attracts all the men, but they treat her like one of the guys instead of a drool object. She was the perfect minister's wife. If she had been a minister, she would have been the perfect woman minister. Sometimes I hate her, because she makes it all look so easy, and it's not..."

"Oh, Patricia, she was never the perfect minister's wife, because she was never a minister's wife. She never tried to fit a role. She was just herself. You don't need beauty tips. You just need to be yourself. Oh, and watch Stacy and Clinton..."