Get Her to the Church on Time

Pastor Patty punched up Kate Bates.

No, she didn’t hit her. That’s what younger people do with phones, they “punch” the numbers in. Older people still “dial” phones, even if they have “touch tone” phones. That’s how we talk—with a vocabulary that is no longer relevant, but which everybody understands. Even young people know what “cut and paste” means, even though no one literally cuts and pastes anymore, except at craft hour at the “Wise Acres Home for Curmudgeonly Geezers,” overlooking the parking lot of the “Furry Mammal IGA,” where Randolph Mossly, the tight end for the “Scary Animals” football team of the NFL [National Filanderers League], does his community service by teaching old Bret Pevre to send the photographs of his cut and paste activities online.

Anyway, Pastor Patty called Kate on the telephone, to see if she would bring Bessie Bandervilt to church tomorrow morning.

“It’s Marsha’s turn to bring her, but when I reminded her, she suddenly remembered she had to go to Yemen for the day. SOMEBODY has to get her, or we’ll never hear the end of it. But you know what will happen. She’ll forget to set her clock back an hour, and she’ll blame it on… us…and…”

Kate knew that Pastor Patty was about to say “blame it on ME,” because that’s what church members do whenever they make a mistake, blame it on the preacher, but it’s not acceptable for a pastor to think anything is ever about her alone, since she’s supposed to be “enabling” the congregation to be “awesome” Christians, which is enough to make anyone with any sense “puke.”

“Yes, but then I’ll have to sit there for a whole hour while she reads the funnies to me,” Kate moaned. “She always reads the funnies on Sunday morning. The last time it was my turn to bring her, I arrived three minutes early. THREE minutes, mind you. She said I was too early, though, and she hadn’t finished the funnies, so she would read them to me. Since Sunday funnies are in color, she felt she had to explain which color went with each character in each panel. This time I’ll be a whole hour early, and…”

Of course, Kate gave in, as she always does, and agreed to get Bessie tomorrow.

“I think I’ll punch her up first, though,” she muttered.