Why Manuals are Important

Pastor Patty grabbed Randall and Claire Nathan as they came through the door to church.

“Will you greet, please? It’s still hunting season, and none of our usual greeters are here.”

Randall had just gotten his mouth open to say “If it’s hunting season, and no one is here, why do you need greeters?” but Claire had already said “Of course,” but was kind enough to send him off to the street door, which is hardly ever used, while she took the parking lot door, the entryway for those intrepid enough to brave the ridicule of their fellow citizens for not being out in the woods murdering clueless animals.

Randall trudged off to the door, muttering about how he was going to lose points in the Hermudgeon* of the Year contest for saying “hello” to people.

The usual greeters weren’t the only ones missing. All the choir members were out using $5,000 worth of equipment each to “bag” a deer worth $50, so Norm and Norma Norman and their children, Nora, Nola, Noreen, Noble, and Squeeter, performing as The Norman Pumpernickel Choir, sang the special, “Won’t it Be a Revelation When We All Lose that Gravitation and Go Floating Off to Some Place High or Low.”

Randall was quite surprised when the street doors creaked open and a woman he had never seen before slipped in. He didn’t think she was a Methodist; she was carrying a Bible and a can of beer and wearing a shirt that proclaimed “The Word Suck Sucks.”

And it wasn’t just any can of beer. It was a can of Phartz Brothers Crock Ale, brewed from the persimmon leavings in the bottom of the crock after the brothers have processed the persimmons rejected for normal use into an alternate fuel for the planes for their special express delivery business.

“Is it okay if I bring my beer in?” the woman asked. “My throat gets dry.”

Since Randall is a retired preacher, he is not used to greeting people before the service. He used to stand at the door after the service and mumble “Good listening” or “Good sleeping” to each person after they had mumbled “Good sermon.” He assumed there must be something in the greeters’ manual about how to answer a question about Phartz Brothers Crock Ale, but he didn’t have a manual.

“Sure,” he said. “Bring it in. Can’t worship with a dry throat.”


*Hermudgeon is a conflation of hermit and curmudgeon.