The New Zodiak Signs

Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County:



“You heard about the way the signs of the Zodiak have been recalculated, Mrs. Westwick-Eastbrook?” Edith asked as she set down a faux-silver pot, Louie Louie design, of Earl Grey on the “High Thread Count White Linen Table” in “The Silver Spoon Corner” of “The Whistle & Thistle Biker Bar and Episcopal Ladies Tea House.”

“Oh, my goodness, yes,” said Eveline Eastbrook-Westwick. “Mr. Greasy Gus from over there at the pool table told me about it, since we can’t get cable up on ‘Discover Card Summit,’ since it’s a gated community and cable guys are not allowed through the gates. Isn’t it awful? Mr. Greasy Gus is worried that he may have to divorce his wife since they are no longer under compatible signs.”

“I don’t think that will be a problem for Mrs. Greasy Gus,” said Edith, “but there’s not much to worry about in general. I hear that Madame Mitzi has recalculated the recalculations of the astrologers.”

Just then the owl above the door hooted to indicate someone had entered. It was Madame Mitzi herself, in her purple robe with the cargo pockets to hold her Terro packets, since she moonlights as an ant whisperer.

“We’re so glad you’re here, Madame Mitzi,” said Eveline Westbridge-Eastbrook, extending her white glove in a royal wave. “We understand you have fixed this awful Zodiak tragedy.”

“Ewe betz yur beauties,” said Madame Mitzi. “Ze astromonists, and eye emphazize zee ass part, zey don no notheeng. Awl they due ees look thru zee looking glasses at zee sky while zey eat zee ham zandweeches. Eet ees us partickular fiscicists astrologists, knot zee stringy theery guys, vee r zee wuns hoo unnerstand zee stars, because vee eat zee chicken zuppe mit zee liddle stars n it, and eet makes us to zee things n zee toilet when vee throws it up, which ees axeuly down.”

“Oh, my goodness,” said Mrs. Eastwick-Westbrook. “That reminds me of a song we sang in Finishing School Scouts. Great green…”

“Uh, better be careful there, Mrs. Eastbrook-Westwind,” said Edith. “Greasy Gus is a queasy cuss.”

Madame Mitzi did not seem to notice the interruption.

“Now vee haf zee new zigns of zee Sodiak. Zee zigns of Texico and Bee Pee and ZittiBank and Goldman’s Zaks…”

“Wait. The new Zodiak signs have the names of big companies?” said Edith.

“Uff coarse. Eff ewe ver born unner zee zign of zee Master…”

“Sign of the master? You mean Jesus has a Zodiak sign now?” asked Evaline.

“Nein, dumkopf. Eet ees zee zign of zee Master Card. And if ewe born unner eet, ewe must chews zee mait frum zee zign of zee Apple, mit zee wun bite mizzing.”

“But you really mean the Zodiak sign naming rights have been sold?” asked Edith.

“Well, uff course, dumkopf. Vee had tew zell zee naming rites too zee big companies. Zee supreme cort sez it ees zee law, now. Awl must bee runny like zee bizness. Hooeefer haz zee most munny, zey r zee wuns who get tew name zee stuff.”

“Hmm,” said Evaline, “perhaps this explains ‘The Honda Prelude’ in last Sunday’s worship bulletin.”

Until next time, may your sign be a good one…


[“Christ in Winter,” reflections on faith for people in the winter of their years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/]

{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}