The Secret Worshipper

Periwinkle Chronicles, tales of the citizens of Periwinkle [because all the other colors were already taken] County:


Randall Nathan was at The Silence is Golden Coffee Igloo & Foosball Emporium Monday morning, holding a copy of The Periwinkle Garden & Ammo magazine in front of his face so no one would know he was there. Zelda Littletact flounced in with a flurry of snow flakes, with persimmon schnapps on her breath. She sat down across from Randall.

“You haven’t seen me at church for a while,” Zelda said.

“I hadn’t noticed,” said The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard). [Which is how they pronounce “retired” in Periwinkle County.]

“The reason,” said Zelda, “is the Crisco Cathedral up in Caputil City hired me to be a mystery worshipper.”

“Tough gig,” said Randall.

“Tell me about it,” said Zelda. “I had to go every Sunday for 3 months, then fill out this form so they could figure out what to do better. Worst part was I had to go to the seeker-friendly service.”

“Was it friendly?”

“Are you kidding me? They were all over me like a swarm of gnats on a mushed persimmon.”

“Must have been nice.”

“Does a bear like to get shot in the woods? It was awful. I asked them why they were so nice to me, and they said it was because Rev. Tim and Sister Cindy told them to, so I’d come back. I said so why should I come back, and they said so I could be friendly to new seekers, too.”

“So you’re not going back?”

“Does a drowning man ask for a drink? I filled out that form and collected my ten bucks and got out of there.”

“What did you say on the form?”

“I said they’ve got 9 stories in that cathedral, but they don’t have a story.”

“What did they say to that?”

“They said that since I didn’t like it, they must not have been friendly enough, so they’d have to give everybody more friendliness training.”

“So you’re against friendliness now?” asked Randall.

“Why in that place that just froze over do you think I decided to sit with you?” said Zelda.

{Until next time, may the taste of persimmon pudding linger…}

[“Christ in Winter,” reflections on faith for people in the winter of their years, can be found at http://christinwinter.blogspot.com/]

{If you would like to receive PC or CIW by email, let me know at jmcfarland1721@charter.net, and I’ll put you on the list.}