Pickups and Ice

Periwinkle County got an early freeze. Lows in the single digits, highs in the teens.

"What's Al Gore going to say about this!?! How are the tree huggers going to explain that so-called global warming now?!?" asked Push Limppaw, on his eponymous talk show on local radio WPCC. Geoffrey Storm, who teaches archeology at Cratchit State U, called in. He tried to explain that while the world really is getting hotter, and that is why the polar ice caps are melting, for places like Periwinkle County, the most notable result of global warming is greater extremes, hotter summers, colder winters. "What do you know?" sneered Push. "You only know about ancient stuff." "My specialty," huffed Dr. Storm, "is why cultures through the aeons have risen and fallen because of weather." "You're a pointy-headed elite liberal," shouted Push. Dr. Storm was shouting "I'm a Repub..." when Push cut his microphone off.

The most immediate result of the early freeze on Lake Fisher, though, was on the pickup trucks and snowmobiles. Guys were hauling ice fishing huts onto the lake. Guys were riding on snowmobiles on the lake in order to... well, apparently in order to fall through the ice. It was a false freeze. The ice looked solid on top, but its foundation was weak. Usually pickups don't go through the ice until March, when WPCC sponsors a contest to see who can predict most accurately when the first pickup of spring falls through. The winner gets a gallon of "Deer John," the spray that guarantees deer, and anybody else with a sense of smell, will not venture into your yard. This week, though, the deer stood on the banks of Lake Fisher and sneered as the pickups sank.

So far, four pickups and two snowmobiles and a motorcycle have gone down. "But Push Limppaw said on his show that it was solid," their owners said, as they watched their kids' college educations sink through the ice. "Not my fault," said Push. "I rely on the theory of ice solidity. The theory said the ice was strong enough, so it was. Those pickups went through the ice because their owners didn't work hard enough to save them. Or maybe they were foreign pickups... or..."