Commencement Time

Yesterday afternoon, after Donna Prima sang “Ten Thousand Hours,” it was time for The Rev. Dr. Randall Nathan, (Retard), to give the graduation speech for the summer commencement at the newly named Hope’s Promise University. President Nan Tucket had told him just to give a piece of good advice, state some eternal truth, and acknowledge a persistent question.

Kaleb Kudzuski, the R.Y. Butts distinguished prof of kazoo, played Elgar’s “Pomp and Circumstance” softly as background while Randall spoke. Dr. Nathan found in his preparation that there were so many pieces of good advice, statements of truth, and persistent questions, that he thought he should just give them all and let the graduates choose which they wished to observe. Here is his speech.

GOOD ADVICE: Remember the Alamo. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his moccasins. Only you can prevent forest fires. Just say no. Don’t drink and drive. If your eye offends you, pluck it out. When in trouble, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. Make new friends but keep the old; one is silver and the other gold. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Don’t complain; don’t explain. Keep the faith. Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on these things. Keep your eye on the prize. Don’t spit into the wind. Don’t pee uphill. Never cook eggs that are not room temperature. Never trust a fart. Measure twice, saw once. Stand by me. Stand by your man. Don’t think twice; it’s alright. Keep a song in your heart. One day at a time. Give it 110%. Let the dead bury the dead. Drop, cover, and roll. Shake, rattle, and roll. Shake and bake. Rescue the perishing. Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me. Turn your head and cough. Duck. Have a good day. Enjoy yourself; it’s later than you think. Pass with care. Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow. Don’t mess with Mother Nature. Stay in the moment. Plan ahead. You must be present to win. No day is over if it makes a memory. The longest journey starts with a single step. Think outside the box. Push the envelope.

ETERNAL TRUTHS: There’s always room for jello. It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission. You deserve a break today. It’s a small mind that can think of only one way to spell a word. Different strokes for different folks. It is what it is. That’s the way the cookie crumbles. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. The love of money is the root of all evil. Three strikes and you’re out. The answer is blowin’ in the wind. Practice makes perfect. It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. We have nothing to fear but fear itself. The future lies before us. I have a dream. You gotta have a dream, if you don’t have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true. Stay the course. Those who fight and run away live to fight another day. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me. Beware the Brindlebeast. Take care, beware, of the green-eyed dragon with the 13 tails. Keep your chin up, your head down, your eye on the ball, your nose to the grindstone, your shoulder to the wheel.

PERSISTENT QUESTIONS: Who will stop the rain? Who let the dogs out? If not you, who? If not now, when? Whose side are you on? Will you be my neighbor? If birds fly over the rainbow, why oh why can’t I?

FINALLY: Keep your eye on the Goooooal!