A Perfect Rat Poison Day

Claire Nathan returned home and announced: “I made 10 stops in 2 hours running errands, and every one of them worked. I got what I needed every time. It took the cashier at K-Mart only 3 tries to get my rat poison scanned correctly. A perfect day!”

But we don’t have rats, thought Randall, so why do we need rat poison? Unless she’s trying to get on one of those true crime shows…

Then he remembered how, after church, Babette Bandervilt, the youngest of the 96-year-old Bandervilt triplets, had told Claire, “Oh, honey, life doesn’t start for a woman until her husband dies. Then you can stop taking care of a man and start living your own life.”

What had brought that on? Had Claire asked Babette about how to get rid of her husband and he just wasn’t listening? Had she done it to see if he were listening? Or because she really wanted to know?

Later he had his dermatology appointment with Lana Caine, M.D. He asked her if women needed rat poison for any reason other than killing rats or husbands.

“Same thing,” said Lana.

I should have known better than to ask a woman whose analysis of men is only skin-deep, thought Randall.

He left Lana Caine’s office and stopped by the Freeze-Dry Coffee Shop and Cryogenics Emporium. Amos Propheter, the Elmer Unger Distinguished Professor of Farmocology at Hope’s Promise U, was drinking a persimmon latte’-dah. Randall told him about Claire and the rat poison.

“You need to come with me tonight,” said Amos.

“Where?” asked Randall. “Is there an endangered husbands group?”

“No. We need to go to the Tea Party Rally. You’ve got the right level of suspicion, paranoia, and non-facts.”