Wife Talk

Kate Bates is having one of her famous candle-light after-dark parties. Kate likes to cook more than she likes to clean, so candle light after dark works both for elegance and blindness.

Julie Wagler, Claire Nathan, and Jenny Newland are helping her get ready.

“Why don’t you get Seymour to clean?” asked Julie, “not that I think there’s anything wrong with dust bunnies.”

Ben “Seymour” Bottoms is the Neal Fisher Distinguished Professor of Social Networking at Hope’s Promise Univ. as well as Kate’s husband.

“Do you really think he would SEE anything to clean if I put a dust-mop into his hands?” asked Kate. “He can see every connection between every social group, but he can’t see an alligator in the corner of the living room.

“Right. Husbands! The bats of human society, except without the hearing and echo location,” said Jenny Newland. “Remember when I had the surprise party for Jake’s 50th birthday. I had the punch bowl out on the dining room table and food for fifty on the counters in the kitchen and he was still surprised. I could have an affair with Zeke Domkowski in the front bedroom and he wouldn’t notice.”

“Well, he might notice Zeke’s pickup was there,” said Kate in defense of Jake.

“Wally can watch three ball games at the same time,” said Julie, “but he wouldn’t notice if I walked through the living room naked.”

“Betsy and Johnny once asked Randall if he could tell the police what I was wearing that day, in case I got abducted in the parking lot of the Marmoset IGA, and the best he could come up with was ‘clothes and shoes,’ and he wasn’t even positive about the shoes,” said Claire.

“I voted against marriage for gays,” said Julie.

“But Julie,” said Claire, “you can’t take rights away from people by majority vote. What if the majority voted that Baptists couldn’t get married?”

“Well, that would be wrong, but it might be a good job to pass a law that they can’t procreate,” said Kate.

“Well, I’m not against gay marriage,” said Julie,” but it used to be, when gays had to hide it, you could get one of them to marry you so people would think they were straight. When you wanted sex you could have an affair, but in the meantime you had a husband at home who would cook and clean and notice what you were wearing.”

“Yeah, now we’re stuck with husbands who are good for nothing except sex,” said Jenny.

Then they all stood silent for a long time, looking out windows, as though they were trying to remember something.