Hog Heaven

It’s Hog Heaven time in Periwinkle County this weekend. Randall Nathan wonders why they call it that, since it’s definitely not heaven for the hogs. Hog Heaven is a bar-b-q competition.

At least, that is its reason for being. It even raises money for a good cause, finding a cure for toe fungus.

In addition to the bbq competition, there is a parade. People on floats throw cracklings and pig jerky to the people along the way. There is the greased pig competition, of course. There is the pulled pork competition, with a life-sized plastic Porky Pig attached to the tug-of-war rope, said rope manned by volunteer fire departments, especially trained to put out grill fires, from around the county. There is the wild bore competition for the political candidates. There is the dance competition, with teams vying to create new pig-related dances, such as The Herky Pig Jerky, last year’s winner, and The Piggy Hop, and The Boogie Woogie Piggy Boy. And there is the beauty contest, Miss Porky, which does not include a swimsuit phase.

Most of all, there is the noise. From 10:30 in the morning until 1:30 the next morning. Bands. Bands with names like The Barnyard Excrement, Asleep at the Trough, Livestock Serenade, The Rolling Hogs, Bacon
Bandits. Bands that cure the deaf and bring deafness to those who can hear.

Randall and Claire live on the south edge of town. Hog Heaven takes place at Smitty Park, on the north edge of town, 3.7 miles away. The bands might as well be playing in their front room, though, since that’s the way it sounds.

Randall Nathan is all in favor of finding a cure for toe fungus. Some of his best friends have it. Some people ask for toe fungus prayers in the Joys and Concerns time at church. It’s the major reason he never goes to church, or to Wal-Mart, in the summer.

He thinks, however, that a perfect fundraiser is a silent auction. He wonders why good causes have to be so loud.