Pastor Randall Nathan, (Retard), so designated because in music, “retard” means to go slower, and that is what he does in retardment, got a surprise telephone call from his old friend, Nan Tucket, the President and “J. Lamar Newsome Professor of Limericks” at Cratchit State University.
“I’ve got a special request,” she said. “We had a meeting and it was unanimous. Everyone wants you to speak at our summer graduation.”
“Who backed out?” asked Randall.
“Everybody, essentially,” said President Tucket. “But there’s a catch. Our first choice was Barack Obama, and he said he would come, but when the Cratchit family found out about it, they threw a fit and threatened to withdraw their name from the university.”
“Can they do that?”
“Turns out they can. It’s in the charter, from when we were first named for Governor Cratchit, almost 200 years ago. No one ever thought about it until now. But the family has the right to withdraw the family name if, and I quote, “a Socialist Nazi Communist racist from Kenya who wants to take away our guns is ever invited to speak.”
“And he backed out so you could keep the Cratchit name?”
“Well, no. He didn’t know about it. Turns out he was already scheduled to open a bunch of new Hummer dealerships that weekend, the government had to buy Hummer, you know, because it is too big to fail, except we didn’t know it until Wiki leaked, and Rahmbo just hadn’t told him yet, so he had to cancel because of that. But in the meantime, Jack Armstrong, our Athletic Director and ‘J. Robert Hammel Distinguished Professor of Sportiness,’ thought it would be a good thing to let them take their name back, because then our teams wouldn’t have to be The Tiny Tims, and you know what kinds of jeers that brings on from the fans of the other teams, who always outnumber our fans even in our own stadium.”
“So you’re not going to be Cratchit State anymore?”
“No. Now we’ll be HPU.”
“You’ve sold the naming rights to Hewlett-Packard?”
“No. Since we’re located in the city of Hope’s Promise, we’ll be ‘Hope’s Promise University.’ We’ll announce it on summer graduation day. You’ll be the first speaker ever at HPU, because we know how much you love your alma mater.”
“And because everybody else you asked was afraid of the Cratchits and backed out.”
“Well, yes, that, too.”
“But I’ve never spoken at a graduation. I have no idea what to say.”
“Oh, just give them some good advice and an eternal truth and mention one of life’s persistent questions. Just be sure it’s in language they can understand.”
“You mean like Uzbek?”
“Well, no, we’ve dropped the Uzbek requirement.”
So Randall Nathan is working on his speech. For good advice, he’s going to go with “When in trouble, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.” For an eternal truth, he’s going to tell them, “You deserve a break today.” For a persistent question, he thinks he’ll use “Who let the dogs out?”
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